Public outcry and moral indignation are two of my favourte things, so needless to say I've very much enjoyed the announcement of OJ Simpson's new book 'If I Did It'. Simpson, who still owes his former wife's family $44 million after being found responsible in civil proceedings for her death, has stumbled upon a neat way to make some cash - write a book about how he might have killed Nicole Brown Simpson. If he did it. You know, just hypothetically. Might have done it, might not have. Just gonna write a book about it, you know, throw a few ideas out there, stir the pot a bit, make millions of dollars out of murdering someone, that sort of thing. I'm not entirely sure why he'd bother with the whole 'if' masquerade though. Double jeopardy laws ensure that he's completely safe from a second prosecution and I'm pretty confident that 'Yup, I totally did it: and you'll never guess how!' would walk off the shelves.
I have managed to get my hands on some exclusive extracts of this book, and they make for very interesting reading. Here's just a few samples:
- "Say for example I walked in the front door, and she was like there, I like, might have just wanted to talk to her. We're not at the stabbing part yet, that comes later."
- "Maybe Ronald Goldman got in the way whilst trying to protect her. Maybe Ronald Goldman was sitting on the couch eating hot chips and patiently waiting for his turn. More likely he was first though - stabbing practice. That handsome nancy boy model could never take me on, I was the first player to ever run over 2000 yards in one season. Who da man?! Not Ronald Goldman, he's so dead from stab wounds."
- "I might not have been able to find a glove that fitted, so I might have just grabbed one that was a bit of a tight fit. It did the trick. I mean, it might have done the trick."
- "She might have struggled. Then again she might have liked it cause she might have thought it was totally kinky. Or maybe I'm just a filthy wife-beater. You'll never know. Except for that last bit."
- "Now this may come as a shock, but I actually shot her with a sawn-off shotgun... You believed me didn't you? Oh man, you been so Juiced..."
- "Alright, seriously, this is actually what might have happened. I might have stabbed her. Is that what you wanted to hear? There fine, I said it, I might have stabbed her. I hope you've all got closure now."
- "Lemon juice is ideal for adding a zesty tang to any salad. It also blinds people when you squirt it in their eyes, making them more susceptible to a good old fashioned stabbin'. I love that word. 'Stab'. If you say it twenty times fast, it sounds like a helicopter!"
- "Speaking of helicopters, a couple might have followed me as I fled the scene. I was driving along, and I'm like, 'damn, what's that noise, it sounds like someone saying stab stab stab stab...'"
- "I might have got in my white Ford Bronco to flee the murder scene. Or I might have been at home watching re-runs of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. That's a funny show. I might have enjoyed that."
- "The Ford Bronco might have been brown. I came so close to getting the brown one, it was actually the dealer who talked me out of it. He said 'OJ, you're wife is white, you should get a white car.' In hindsight I should have got the brown one. That guy's logic was so flawed."
As Naomi Robson would say, "hmmm, it really makes you think." What a strange thing for someone who's clearly incapable of thinking for herself to say. As Ray Martin would say, "I'm Ray Martin, have a great evening, hope you enjoy your weekend, we'll see you back here on Monday. Goodnight." But he never came back, and Monday's just aren't the same. Stab it.
http://www.smh.com.au/news/people/ojs-revolting-confession/2006/11/16/1163266678010.html
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