McKew to Challenge PM: ABC faces further cuts

Yesterday's announcement that former ABC journalist Maxine McKew will stand for Labor preselection in the NSW seat of Bennelong, prime minister John Howard's electorate, has sparked outrage among senior Liberals, who had hoped nobody would notice the large number of recently married male doctors in the area.

Whilst Mr Howard himself remains tight-lipped about the challenge, Senator Helen Coonan has already begun firing ABC boardmembers.

"For over ten years now this government has been the sole source of funding to the ABC, and look how they repay us" said one senior Liberal. "It's scandalous, really bloody disgraceful what's going on here. All these years of interviewing Liberal politicians and claiming to be unbiased - the public should feel betrayed. This explains why she wasted so much of our time with those really annoying questions about refugees and stuff."

Liberal Party strategist Clayton Roby was similarly disgusted, telling The Daily Worry that it was the role of the ABC to remain unbiased against the government - "look, you don't see A Current Affair attacking James Packer do you? The ABC has become a breeding ground for anti-conservative hacks. I've always had my suspicions about Kerry O'Brien, and that Tony Jones is just a nightmare. The public is demanding action."

Asked what the Liberal Party planned to do about the anti-government culture at the ABC, one junior minister explained that the government had a plan to increase the efficiency of the ABC by decentralising its operations and outsourcing them to existing providers - "it's basically a rehash of the Job Network scheme, except Kevin Rudd's wife can't get rich off this one."

Debnam's Fury: Small Penises Not Funny

Sources close to Peter Debnam have today revealed details of the NSW Opposition Leader's outrage upon hearing of a lewd text message sent by Brenton Pavier, the now disendorsed Liberal candidate for the Central Coast seat of Wyong.

A staffer in Mr Debnam's office has told The Daily Worry that the Liberal leader began frothing at the mouth shortly after reading a transcript of the offensive sms, and started choking on his own bile to such an extent that an ambulance was nearly called.

The message is reported to read "The video you have ordered about how to have sex with men with small penises is ready for collection and the DVD titled Anal Sex with Goats is overdue."

Mr Debnam last night issued a statement saying that although the sms was intended to be hilarious, it was in fact not funny at all because having sex with men with small penises is the same as having sex with a man with a larger penis, and just as satisfying - "in fact, often less painful for the woman."

Critic's say the Opposition Leader's endorsement contract with swimwear giant Speedo has created a conflict of interest.

The Great Debate

In a thrilling televised debate on Friday, the articulate NSW Premier Morris Iemma went toe to toe with visionary Opposition Leader Peter Debnam. Through the course of the hard fought and often heated debate, Debnam was able to successfully convey his message that he would cut 20,000 public sector jobs in order to fund his many election promises. Premier Morris Iemma was able to contend with equal vigour however that Debnam would cut 20,000 public sector jobs in order to fund his many election promises. After the debate the Worry Poll found Quentin Dempster leading as preferred Premier, closely followed by Noni Hazelhurst.

Oakes still hates Latham

Laurie Oakes confirmed in this week's edition of The Bulletin that contrary to recent speculation, he does in fact still hate Mark Latham for calling him fat. The Daily Worry has obtained an exclusive extract of the article titled 'Surge of Blood to the Head'. The article's header features a treat for fans - a brand-new picture of Oakes smirking, this time from the right side of his mouth.

"John Howard has been as reckless as Mark Latham. His attack on Democratic US presidential hopeful Barack Obama is comparable with Latham's bagging of George W. Bush. Not as crude, of course... But Howard is prime minister, with the kind of responsibilities Latham - thank God - never had."

By God, you know you've stuffed up when Laurie Oakes compares you to Mark Latham.

Journalist Uncovers Global Warming Conspiracy

The Daily Worry can report that Sun-Herald journalist Miranda Devine is the early favourite for this year's Gold Walkley award after uncovering a vast international conspiracy over global warming.

In her brilliantly constructed article, Devine first demonstrates Labor's response to the issue to be little more than "hyperbolic scaremongering" on the basis that their proposed response would 'wreck the economy' and cost jobs. She proves this by noting Peter Garrett's endorsement of Professor Tim Flannery, a man who is on record as saying that "Ultimately there is only one set of accounts that matters at all. It's not what John Howard says or what the current account balance in the Australian economy is - it's the one held by the atmosphere".

From this Devine is able to extrapolate Flannery's motto, the core belief by which he is driven and by which he lives his life, and once again it seems we've all been taken for a ride. Flannery's motto has nothing to do with rescuing humanity from the folly of its unremitting march toward cataclysm. No - we finally learn that "forget the economy, is Flannery's motto". Labor has painted itself into a corner. It seems that by "hitching its wagon to climate-change catastrophists" Labor is choosing to ignore a large body of scientific evidence from climate change sceptics, most notably The Fraser Institute, described by Devine as a 'Canadian thinktank'.

The implication against Labor is clear. By choosing to ignore the opinions of a body describing itself as a 'thinktank', Labor is preferring the opinions of bodies which are not thinktanks, and thus cannot lay claim to be thinkers.

Devine has, with powerful and brilliant logic, pointed out that by ignoring an independent thinktank whose noble mission statement is simply to advocate economic rationalism, free trade and deregulation, and which is so independent that it receives no government funding at all, instead relying on the generosity of such companies as logging giant MacMillan Bloedel Limited, Labor has shown itself to be entirely close-minded on the issue.

Having established the danger and ridiculousness of left-wing global warming alarmism, Devine comes to the only logical conclusion - that global warming is a conspiracy hatched by left-wing scientists and politicians to unite the world against an abstract and defeatable enemy. "Nice idea if it works" she concludes sarcastically and with clear contempt for the evil idea of uniting a world in which so many are Muslims who support terrorism.

Once again Devine's logic is as brilliant as it is infallible - any scientist who supports the notion of global warming as posing dramatic and imminent consequences is clearly biased since they don't support the Howard government and are thus left-wing. Since left-wing people like Muslims who like terrorists, this whole global warming thing must be little more than a ploy to divert the world's attention from its hatred of terrorists, thus ensuring that Al Gore will be elected President in 2008.

Miranda Devine will not only win a Walkley for this report, but probably a Nobel Prize for Science too. After the Royal Commission of course.

Turnbull v Garrett

Summary of Debate between Malcolm Turnbull and Peter Garrett on The 7.30 Report, 08/02/2007.

Turnbull: We're saving the Murray-Darling.

Garrett: You can't save it properly without doing something about global warming.

Turnbull: You're being alarmist. There's no need to scare people.

Garrett: But global warming is real and Australia will be amongst the hardest hit nations. We need to do something dramatic right now.

Turnbull: There you go being alarmist again. No, we need to take a measured approach.

Garrett: What do you mean by measured approach? It seems to mean a slow approach.

Turnbull: No. It means a sensible approach. We're going to take a sensible approach.

Garrett: How sensible?

Turnbull: Very sensible.

Garrett: No, I mean what are you actually going to do about it?

Turnbull: I told you, we're going to take a measured approach.

Garrett: And what does that involve?

Turnbull: Well we can't be alarmist about this. Why do you Labor people want to go around scaring people? The Liberal Party want everyone to be relaxed and comfortable, which is why they vote for us. Maybe if you stopped scaring people they'd vote for you too.

Garrett: But people need to be worried about this, its the biggest problem facing the world today!

Turnbull: Bigger than terrorism?

Garrett: Well... yes.

Turnbull: You would say that. You're soft on terrorism.

Garrett: What?! No, look, we need to do something about this and we need to do it now.

Turnbull: Why do you hate the economy?

Garrett: Eh?

Turnbull: Clearly you must hate the Australian economy.

Garrett: But we can impose emissions restrictions and a carbon trading scheme which will stimulate business. That's a myth that environmentalism hurts the economy.

Turnbull: You just said you want to restrict business. Therefore you hate the economy. And can I just also say that you also love recessions and debt.

Garrett: You're not making any sense.

Turnbull: Yes I am, you just wouldn't understand because I'm talking about the economy and only a Liberal government can understand the economy.

Garrett: Look, we need to do something about global warming, and we need to do it now. We need to invest in renewable energy sources.

Turnbull: And where's the money for that going to come from?

Garrett: Well where's the money for your magic nuclear power stations going to come from?

Turnbull: From the economy. You wouldn't understand.

Garrett: China uses more renewable energy than we do.

Turnbull: Yes, but they pollute more than we do. There's no point in us doing anything about global warming if they're not going to.

Garrett: But China is saying the same thing about Australia and the US!

Turnbull: Well I don't think its helpful to go playing the blame game. Why do you want to put us at an economic disadvantage?

Garrett: We need to work together. We need to sign the Kyoto protocol for a start...

Turnbull: That's just a piece of paper.

Garrett: No its not, its a multi-lateral agreement...

Turnbull: Why are you so obsessed with a piece of paper?

Garrett: Why won't you sign it if its just a piece of paper?

Turnbull: Because its a piece of paper that will hurt the economy. People will lose their jobs. I would say to everyone at home that if you don't want to lose your job, don't vote Labor.

Garrett: You're the one scaring people with all this rubbish about losing jobs!

Turnbull: No, we're taking a measured approach. The economy, jobs... you wouldn't understand. Did I mention that we've pretty much got this saving the Murray thing sewn up?

Hicks not nice: Henderson

Supporters of David Hicks were this week shocked by Gerard Henderson's revelation that in fact, David Hicks is not a nice person. Henderson's groundbreaking expose on Hicks draws heavily on research which led him to discover little-known footage of the Adelaide man's letters to his father. The footage has remained unseen for many months now, because it was broadcast in prime-time on the SBS network.

"I was stunned to hear of this" declared human rights campaigner Selma Ramos. "If I had known all this time that David Hicks once had a commitment to radical Islam and said some anti-semitic things, I'd never have got on board with this case."

Other campaigners have expressed similar disappointment. Stewart Barr, president of Amnesty International Australia told The Daily Worry "Look this really is heartbreaking, we feel lied to and betrayed. His dad told us he was a nice boy who'd done nothing wrong. I mean, we knew he'd met Osama Bin Laden, but it didn't click with us exactly what that meant until Henderson pointed out that Bin Laden doesn't 'mix with idiots who have made unfortunate career decisions'. David is obviously following the career-path he chose, so we should leave him to it."

Asked if Amnesty International would continue to campaign for Hicks, Barr replied "absolutely not. Amnesty only stands up for the rights of people who are nice, because yucky people deserve whatever they get."

Greens leader Bob Brown was similarly disillusioned. "The Greens completely support due process and the right of habeas corpus. We believe that people should be quickly tried under a fair and impartial judicial system and should not be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment or extended periods of solitary confinement. But only if they're nice people."

Democrats senator Natasha Stott Despoja was likewise excusatory. "I'd just like to say thankyou to Gerard Henderson. If he hadn't pointed out that David Hicks had changed his name to Mohammed Dawood some years ago, I'd still be supporting him."

Asked whether she'd be offering the government an apology for her misguidedly persistent badgering over Hicks, Ms Stott Despoja replied "look, I don't subscribe to the black-armband view of history so I'm not going to go apologising for things which happened in the past."

Man runs out of space on iPod

A twenty-six year old Sydney man today found himself unable to upload any more tracks to his 60gb iPod. Terry Anderson of Mortdale encountered the calamity whilst attempting to upload Shakira's 'Hips Don't Lie' to his black video iPod.

"I was shocked" he told The Daily Worry. "You just don't expect this kind of thing. I mean, I'd heard stories about it happening to other people, but you just don't expect that kind of thing here in Australia. Apple say that this thing holds fifteen-thousand songs, but I say that's rubbish. I haven't counted exactly, but I'm sure I probably had less than fourteen thousand on there. I've had to delete 'The Very Best of Plastic Bertrand' to make room for my new Anthony Calea album, its a disgrace."

Apple spokeswoman Jessica Allsop, when asked to comment, insisted "we only claim that the 60gb model holds 'up to' fifteen-thousand songs, the actual number depends on the size of each song. Plus he should have bought the 80gb model, the 60gb iPod is not designed to accommodate Plastic Bertrand - it says so in the End User License Agreement embedded on page forty-two of the multilingual manual inside the shrinkwrapped box."

Mark Henderson SC of Henderson & Birch believes Apple is guilty of a vast conspiracy. "Everybody, absolutely everybody on the entire planet is sick to death of Apple's weasel-worded hyperbole. Its a clear breach of the Trade Practices Act. Apple have engaged in misleading and deceptive conduct and should be persecuted at the Hague."

Steve Shields, spokesman for rival Creative Audio agreed. "Look, Apple have been inflating these figures for years, and something needs to be done about it. Their products are clearly inferior. I would say to people unhappy with Apple that they should try our new 60gb Zen model, which holds up to sixteen-thousand songs."

In the meantime Anderson says he'll just have to deal with a more limited selection of music during his train ride to Central each morning - "It takes six hours to get into the city these days. If the government won't fix the trains they could at least subsidise 80gb iPods."