Tuesday, 20 November 2007
Election Vox Pop
"I heard that 70% of Labor are in a trade union, so it kind of worries me that they might wreck the economy."
"I'll be voting Family First because I value my family, and I want to put them first. Except my second son whom I disowned because he's a faggot."
"I like the sound of Kevin Rudd's education revolution, but I'm concerned about Labor's ability to manage the economy. I'm worried that we'll end up with 70% interest rates again."
"I'm definately voting for the Greens because they're the only ones opposed to the Guns Mill in Tasmania and I'm worried that some of those guns will end up in our schools."
"I'll be voting Liberal because the Labor party have really stuffed up our hospitals and trains."
"I'm a swinging voter, but I think this time I'll be voting Labor because of the GST."
"I've decided to vote for the Democrats this election because I really like Al Gore."
"I think we need someone like Pauline Hanson as Prime Minister so I'll be voting for her. We have to protect our borders from terrorists and Aboriginals."
"I'll be voting Liberal because they're offering $3 billion more tax cuts than Labor."
"Well I've got $10 on a quinella of Howard for PM and Alan Jones for Wallabies coach, so you know who I'll be voting for."
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Breaking News: Rudd Calls Election
Mr Rudd told reporters that "this election will be about white pine blister rust. That is, any of several diseases of pines caused by rust fungi of the genus Cronartium and marked by destructive invasion of bark and sapwood and producing blisters externally. Who do you white pine blister rust to keep the economy on track? Who do you white pine blister rust to keep interest rates low?"
Joe Hockey, in a doorstep interview shortly after the announcement decried Mr Rudd's hubris in attempting to define the parameters of the election.
"The voters will decide what the election is about, and its about union bosses."
Garrett Endorses Pulp Mill
"Yes, I was head of the Australian Conservation Foundation at one stage, but as we get older our opinions mature. I was just a hot-headed forty-something back then, but now I realise that sometimes conservation applies equally to your electoral standing."
Greens leader Bob Brown has accused Garrett of "selling out" on his principles, declaring that they could no longer be friends. Mr Garrett replied that Bob Brown was just jealous because he won't get to be environment minister, and also that he is gay. Mr Brown replied that Garrett has no hair. To which Mr Garrett replied that Brown wears stupid ugly cardigans.
The Arts Revue was Shit: Rudd
The prime minister today attempted to wedge Mr Rudd on this issue, saying that the Arts Revue was a proud aussie tradition, describing its actors as patriotic heroes and aspirational battlers who just needed a government who would keep the economy on track.
Mr Rudd today attempted to clarify his comments, pointing out that actually he thought that some of the sketches, especially the opening number, were really very funny, and that the bit in the middle where Sertan was dressed in military uniform and they all danced to that Edwin Starr song was hilarious.
"I also maintain a deep and mutual admiration and affection for the director. And the delusionists bits are still heaps funny."
Upon hearing that Kevin Rudd had said something, Alexander Downer called a snap press conference, telling reporters that Mr Rudd was only being a clever politician, knowing that this issue would get him at least 27 comments on his blog.
Joe Hockey blamed union bosses.
Rudd Might Oppose Death Penalty
McClelland had been trying to make the point that Australia's clemency pleas for its own citizens on death-row can be dismissed as hypocritical by other nations, who might point to the comments of Australia's own prime minister in support of the execution of the Bali bombers. He today apologised for his hurtful comments, dismissing the argument as "absurd" and apologising to the prime minister for any injury to his feelings.
Kevin Rudd attempted to hose down the issue by declaring that "whilst the prime minister and I agree on a lot of things, this is one issue where I must say that we are in particular harmony and resounding agreement that we are absolutely opposed to the death penalty, but believe that it is wrong not to kill terrorists."
Foreign Affairs Minister Alexander Downer called a press conference immediately following Mr Rudd's remarks, accusing the Opposition Leader of being a "clever politician".
"Kevin Rudd is a clever politician, and a clever opposition leader. You may recall that I was once an opposition leader, but you never saw me being clever. I have never been a clever politician. I have never been a clever Foreign Affairs Minister. In fact I can categorically declare that I have never been very clever at all."
Workchoices Tops Ratings Again
Industry insiders credit the success of the show to its wacky characters, zany plotlines, and the hilarious antics of the show's main character 'Kerry', a call-centre operator harbouring a secret dream of Broadway stardom. The unnamed characters known only to fans as 'those two dumb drunk blokes' have also become a cult favourite amongst devotees of the series, with their catchphrases 'aahyeeah', and 'riiiight' now entrenched in pop-culture lexicon.
Fans can't seem to get enough of the surprise hit of the spring. One fan of the show identifying himself as 'Steve82' wrote on a television discussion website that 'Workplaces Relations is way better than The Simpsons. But only because I've seen every episode of The Simpsons over 430 times, but I've only seen most episodes of Workplace Relations about 350 times.'
Industry experts have credited much of the success of Workplace Relations to the advertising blitz employed by the show's producers, with radio, newspaper, internet, billboard, cinema, direct mail and rest room advertising bombarding the public with images and previews of the show.
Earlier in the year the show was embroiled in controversy when one of its stars was shown to be playing a different character to his actual character in real life.
Thursday, 4 October 2007
Sunday, 30 September 2007
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Monday, 3 September 2007
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Thursday, 23 August 2007
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
Friday, 17 August 2007
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
Thursday, 9 August 2007
Monday, 6 August 2007
Okay, there's a strong possibility that most of you aren't going to get this. Whilst explaining a joke invariably denudes it of all humour, you'll still get a kick out of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
Tuesday, 31 July 2007
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Monday, 23 July 2007
Friday, 20 July 2007
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Editorial: Reckless Sim Card Providers
Philip Ruddock yesterday canvassed a list of proposed amendments to anti-terror legislation, declaring that the current laws, whilst being a vast improvement over our previous rights-based system of law, still needed some fine-tuning.
The Daily Worry applauds Mr Ruddock for having the courage to push forward with these desperately needed reforms, including the following new laws:
- Recklessly serving coffee to a potential terrorist.
- Recklessly providing street directions to a muslim.
- Providing comfort to a suspected terrorist through sexual intercourse.
- Providing a hair cut to a suspected terrorist.
- Viewing or distributing material likely to promote Al Jazeera.
- Recklessly failing to purchase a return ticket.
- Parking in a disabled zone.
- Recklessly providing an interview to Lateline.
- Performing emergency surgery on a suspected terrorist.
- Recklessly chatting up a lady in a hijab.
- Recklessly leaking material to a media outlet in a manner likely to cause embarassment.
- Recklessly providing an interview to a biographer.
- Recklessly defending a suspected terrorist in a court of law.
- Negligently failing to display a fridge magnet.
- Reckless indifference to government propaganda.
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Monday, 16 July 2007
Friday, 13 July 2007
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Exclusive Leak: ACTU Dirty Tricks Manual
Author:
Date:
Revision:
Congratulations on your appointment to the position of: Union Apparatchik.
In your new role you will be expected to keep friendly tabs on your fellow union members and disseminate vital propaganda to the rank and file. This manual sets out a few helpful tips for ensuring that all members tow the party line at the coming election.
The Initial Call
The purpose of the initial call is to establish a rapport with the individual union member. Try to personalise the issues, finding out as much as you can about the member's family and other important circumstances. These details should be recorded for later use. Avoid mentioning anything which might imply the possibility of life after government re-election. Leave the union member with a friendly goodbye and a cheery zeugmatic cliche such as 'remember to vote for Kevin Rudd and your children's future!'
The Follow-Up Call
The follow-up call is very important. It reminds the union member of the things they learnt in the initial call and can help them to understand that their union cares about them and their individual needs. Remember to use the information and rapport constructed during the initial call to your advantage. Enquire as to the health of their family and appear delighted when the member responds that their family is in good health.
The Follow-Up Follow-Up Call
If after the first two calls you are not entirely convinced that the member fully understands the consequences of a voting mishap, you might like to try a third call. In the course of this call you should remind the member of everything that the union has done for them, and how that might be taken away from them. Enquire as to the health of their family.
The Home Visit
The home visit will be necessary where three phonecalls have not resulted in a satisfactory assurance of compliance with union political policy. Tap on the door and inform the union member that their friendly union representative has come to pay them a visit. You should ask to meet the member's family and mention that you are delighted to finally meet them, reminding the member that you already know a lot about them. Once again, you should try to personalise the issues when discussing the new workplace laws and remember to leave pamphlets and stickers.
The Home Surveillance
After visiting the union member, you may have some nagging doubts as to their loyalty. Don't worry, these fears can be assuaged with some simple home surveillance. You should observe all comings and goings from the house and if possible get in contact with a union member at Telstra who can organise a phone tap. Remember to wear camouflage if hiding in bushes.
The Home Invasion
Sometimes surveillance can uncover some unpleasant truths about a member. Before reporting these details to your local politburo, you should obtain all necessary evidence to prove the member's disloyalty. Whilst the member and their family are out, break in to their home and take what you need. But remember, no fingerprints!
Blackmail
Having proven a member's disloyalty, you should give them a friendly chance to make amends for their foolish and selfish behaviour. Please ensure that you remain calm and do not resort to shouting or swearing during this process, as you can't be sure that the scene will not be recorded and released to the media. In a neutral and non-combative tone, inform the member that their family's safety can no longer be guaranteed.
Black Magic
Being that we are a union, we have all the forces of evil on our side. Dark Wizards can be organised at 24 hours notice - simply call your team leader at head office on 1300 375 926 between 8am and 6pm Monday to Friday.
The Gulags
It is unfortunate that some members continue to resist the revolution. Such betrayal must not of course, go unpunished. Teams of Blackshirts operate routes in your area Monday through Saturday, 11pm-5am. To have your member placed on a list of pickups simply call head office on 1300 375 926 and press #2 at the prompt to access our 24 hour automated service.
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
A bit little, click on it to view full screen
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/opinion/story/0,22049,22004247-5001031,00.html
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Friday, 22 June 2007
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
We report. We decide.
All things considered, it is definitely in your best interests to vote for John Howard. The undeniable truth is that interest rates will always be lower under a Liberal than a Labor government. This natural law is actually the key element in Stephen Hawking's resolved theory of relativity and quantum mechanics. So except for that one time when John Howard was treasurer in 1982 and they hit 21.4%, apart from that one time, second place goes to the Hawke government with a whopping 19.55%. These are the exact same interest rates you'll end up with again if you vote for Labor. So even though interest rates have risen four times since the last election, and six times in a row, that's nothing compared to the sixty times you could expect under Labor. Interest rates currently stand at a low 6.25%. According to the Reserve Bank's historical interest rates webpage, when Paul Keating handed power over to John Howard in 1996, interest rates stood at 7.5% - this is of course a typographical error. They must have meant 75%.
The reasons behind these damning numbers are complex, but essentially boil down to Labor's lack of fiscal intelligence. The story of young Peter has long been a favourite yarn between comrades in the
So if interest rates concern you, vote for John Howard. It is a little known fact that in gratitude for enabling him to solve the biggest conundrum in physics, Stephen Hawking prepared for our great leader a mathematical formula of such genius that it allows him to deliver unlimited tax cuts without ever putting inflationary pressure on the economy. This is a secret formula which Labor does not have.
Families
If Labor is elected to power the deputy prime minister of
Since you are in the unique position of being in a family, you might want to consider voting Family First. But of course, your preference vote is always important when voting for a minor party, so on balance I'm going to recommend the Liberal party, for the following reasons:
1) John Howard doesn't hate families.
2) WorkChoices is a revelation for families. Statistics show that an enormous number of marriages break down after retirement. WorkChoices allows for greater flexibility in determining overlapping hours of employment, because the family that doesn’t spend the day together, stays together.
This should not be a difficult choice. Thanks to the introduction of WorkChoices, Australia is enjoying its lowest unemployment figures since 4000BC. It is now easier than ever for you to walk into an interview and negotiate an attractive slave-wage and magnanimous trade-in on that battered set of conditions you no longer need. John Howard is your choice. Still not convinced? You're obviously not thinking straight because you couldn't afford breakfast this morning.
The Young
Without the distraction of all those well-funded university societies and clubs you’ve been wasting your time with, you've probably got a lot more time on your hands to think about just how much John Howard has done for you. If your parents are wealthy enough to fund you, you probably realised it a long time ago. But for the rest of you juggling study with four shifts a week at the local bottle shop, you'll eventually come around now that those pesky unions aren’t around to shout lies in your face all day. So don’t buy into this ‘education revolution’ rubbish – the revolution has already happened, and you totally won.
Single Mothers
You got your baby bonus. Now say thankyou. You are however, probably slightly concerned about the zero availability of affordable daycare. Well don't worry, the government has a plan to tackle the situation and get you back into the workforce. Its called kindergarten, and it kicks in when your child turns six.
As the Prime Minister recently pointed out, the key to environmental protection is a strong economy. But of course you can't have a strong economy if you're going to go creating new green-power industries and a significant export market for new environmentally sound products. Labor wants to introduce a bunch of wacky environmental schemes that would wreck the economy and ergo destroy the environment. If you love the environment, vote clean, vote green, vote Liberal.
The Elderly
John Howard is probably older than you. If you don't think that makes him qualified to represent you you're almost certainly too senile to be reading this anyway.
Teachers
This is a tough choice. On the one hand you could vote for the party that isn't constantly using you as a political punching bag, but on the other hand you should vote Liberal.
Those with a mental or other disability (and their carers)
Umm, this is a state issue.
Small Business Owners
The latest CCH GST manual is now available in four convenient binders. Fortunately, if all this reading gets too frustrating you can always take your anger out on some unsuspecting and dispensable employee by firing him for whatever reason you damn well like. Go on, give it a try, its very therapeutic. Now thank the Laird.
Until recently, life was hell for those earning over $150,000 per annum. Fortunately the government is set to raise the top tax threshold to $180,000, finally allowing you the breathing room you need to add that fourth storey to the holiday home.
Communists, trade unionists and anyone else who hates freedom
You might consider changing your vote to Liberal this election.