Exclusive Leak: ACTU Dirty Tricks Manual

ACTU Dirty Tricks Manual

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Congratulations on your appointment to the position of: Union Apparatchik.

In your new role you will be expected to keep friendly tabs on your fellow union members and disseminate vital propaganda to the rank and file. This manual sets out a few helpful tips for ensuring that all members tow the party line at the coming election.

The Initial Call

The purpose of the initial call is to establish a rapport with the individual union member. Try to personalise the issues, finding out as much as you can about the member's family and other important circumstances. These details should be recorded for later use. Avoid mentioning anything which might imply the possibility of life after government re-election. Leave the union member with a friendly goodbye and a cheery zeugmatic cliche such as 'remember to vote for Kevin Rudd and your children's future!'

The Follow-Up Call

The follow-up call is very important. It reminds the union member of the things they learnt in the initial call and can help them to understand that their union cares about them and their individual needs. Remember to use the information and rapport constructed during the initial call to your advantage. Enquire as to the health of their family and appear delighted when the member responds that their family is in good health.

The Follow-Up Follow-Up Call

If after the first two calls you are not entirely convinced that the member fully understands the consequences of a voting mishap, you might like to try a third call. In the course of this call you should remind the member of everything that the union has done for them, and how that might be taken away from them. Enquire as to the health of their family.

The Home Visit

The home visit will be necessary where three phonecalls have not resulted in a satisfactory assurance of compliance with union political policy. Tap on the door and inform the union member that their friendly union representative has come to pay them a visit. You should ask to meet the member's family and mention that you are delighted to finally meet them, reminding the member that you already know a lot about them. Once again, you should try to personalise the issues when discussing the new workplace laws and remember to leave pamphlets and stickers.

The Home Surveillance

After visiting the union member, you may have some nagging doubts as to their loyalty. Don't worry, these fears can be assuaged with some simple home surveillance. You should observe all comings and goings from the house and if possible get in contact with a union member at Telstra who can organise a phone tap. Remember to wear camouflage if hiding in bushes.

The Home Invasion

Sometimes surveillance can uncover some unpleasant truths about a member. Before reporting these details to your local politburo, you should obtain all necessary evidence to prove the member's disloyalty. Whilst the member and their family are out, break in to their home and take what you need. But remember, no fingerprints!

Blackmail

Having proven a member's disloyalty, you should give them a friendly chance to make amends for their foolish and selfish behaviour. Please ensure that you remain calm and do not resort to shouting or swearing during this process, as you can't be sure that the scene will not be recorded and released to the media. In a neutral and non-combative tone, inform the member that their family's safety can no longer be guaranteed.

Black Magic

Being that we are a union, we have all the forces of evil on our side. Dark Wizards can be organised at 24 hours notice - simply call your team leader at head office on 1300 375 926 between 8am and 6pm Monday to Friday.

The Gulags

It is unfortunate that some members continue to resist the revolution. Such betrayal must not of course, go unpunished. Teams of Blackshirts operate routes in your area Monday through Saturday, 11pm-5am. To have your member placed on a list of pickups simply call head office on 1300 375 926 and press #2 at the prompt to access our 24 hour automated service.