McKew to Challenge PM: ABC faces further cuts

Yesterday's announcement that former ABC journalist Maxine McKew will stand for Labor preselection in the NSW seat of Bennelong, prime minister John Howard's electorate, has sparked outrage among senior Liberals, who had hoped nobody would notice the large number of recently married male doctors in the area.

Whilst Mr Howard himself remains tight-lipped about the challenge, Senator Helen Coonan has already begun firing ABC boardmembers.

"For over ten years now this government has been the sole source of funding to the ABC, and look how they repay us" said one senior Liberal. "It's scandalous, really bloody disgraceful what's going on here. All these years of interviewing Liberal politicians and claiming to be unbiased - the public should feel betrayed. This explains why she wasted so much of our time with those really annoying questions about refugees and stuff."

Liberal Party strategist Clayton Roby was similarly disgusted, telling The Daily Worry that it was the role of the ABC to remain unbiased against the government - "look, you don't see A Current Affair attacking James Packer do you? The ABC has become a breeding ground for anti-conservative hacks. I've always had my suspicions about Kerry O'Brien, and that Tony Jones is just a nightmare. The public is demanding action."

Asked what the Liberal Party planned to do about the anti-government culture at the ABC, one junior minister explained that the government had a plan to increase the efficiency of the ABC by decentralising its operations and outsourcing them to existing providers - "it's basically a rehash of the Job Network scheme, except Kevin Rudd's wife can't get rich off this one."

Debnam's Fury: Small Penises Not Funny

Sources close to Peter Debnam have today revealed details of the NSW Opposition Leader's outrage upon hearing of a lewd text message sent by Brenton Pavier, the now disendorsed Liberal candidate for the Central Coast seat of Wyong.

A staffer in Mr Debnam's office has told The Daily Worry that the Liberal leader began frothing at the mouth shortly after reading a transcript of the offensive sms, and started choking on his own bile to such an extent that an ambulance was nearly called.

The message is reported to read "The video you have ordered about how to have sex with men with small penises is ready for collection and the DVD titled Anal Sex with Goats is overdue."

Mr Debnam last night issued a statement saying that although the sms was intended to be hilarious, it was in fact not funny at all because having sex with men with small penises is the same as having sex with a man with a larger penis, and just as satisfying - "in fact, often less painful for the woman."

Critic's say the Opposition Leader's endorsement contract with swimwear giant Speedo has created a conflict of interest.

The Great Debate

In a thrilling televised debate on Friday, the articulate NSW Premier Morris Iemma went toe to toe with visionary Opposition Leader Peter Debnam. Through the course of the hard fought and often heated debate, Debnam was able to successfully convey his message that he would cut 20,000 public sector jobs in order to fund his many election promises. Premier Morris Iemma was able to contend with equal vigour however that Debnam would cut 20,000 public sector jobs in order to fund his many election promises. After the debate the Worry Poll found Quentin Dempster leading as preferred Premier, closely followed by Noni Hazelhurst.

Oakes still hates Latham

Laurie Oakes confirmed in this week's edition of The Bulletin that contrary to recent speculation, he does in fact still hate Mark Latham for calling him fat. The Daily Worry has obtained an exclusive extract of the article titled 'Surge of Blood to the Head'. The article's header features a treat for fans - a brand-new picture of Oakes smirking, this time from the right side of his mouth.

"John Howard has been as reckless as Mark Latham. His attack on Democratic US presidential hopeful Barack Obama is comparable with Latham's bagging of George W. Bush. Not as crude, of course... But Howard is prime minister, with the kind of responsibilities Latham - thank God - never had."

By God, you know you've stuffed up when Laurie Oakes compares you to Mark Latham.

Journalist Uncovers Global Warming Conspiracy

The Daily Worry can report that Sun-Herald journalist Miranda Devine is the early favourite for this year's Gold Walkley award after uncovering a vast international conspiracy over global warming.

In her brilliantly constructed article, Devine first demonstrates Labor's response to the issue to be little more than "hyperbolic scaremongering" on the basis that their proposed response would 'wreck the economy' and cost jobs. She proves this by noting Peter Garrett's endorsement of Professor Tim Flannery, a man who is on record as saying that "Ultimately there is only one set of accounts that matters at all. It's not what John Howard says or what the current account balance in the Australian economy is - it's the one held by the atmosphere".

From this Devine is able to extrapolate Flannery's motto, the core belief by which he is driven and by which he lives his life, and once again it seems we've all been taken for a ride. Flannery's motto has nothing to do with rescuing humanity from the folly of its unremitting march toward cataclysm. No - we finally learn that "forget the economy, is Flannery's motto". Labor has painted itself into a corner. It seems that by "hitching its wagon to climate-change catastrophists" Labor is choosing to ignore a large body of scientific evidence from climate change sceptics, most notably The Fraser Institute, described by Devine as a 'Canadian thinktank'.

The implication against Labor is clear. By choosing to ignore the opinions of a body describing itself as a 'thinktank', Labor is preferring the opinions of bodies which are not thinktanks, and thus cannot lay claim to be thinkers.

Devine has, with powerful and brilliant logic, pointed out that by ignoring an independent thinktank whose noble mission statement is simply to advocate economic rationalism, free trade and deregulation, and which is so independent that it receives no government funding at all, instead relying on the generosity of such companies as logging giant MacMillan Bloedel Limited, Labor has shown itself to be entirely close-minded on the issue.

Having established the danger and ridiculousness of left-wing global warming alarmism, Devine comes to the only logical conclusion - that global warming is a conspiracy hatched by left-wing scientists and politicians to unite the world against an abstract and defeatable enemy. "Nice idea if it works" she concludes sarcastically and with clear contempt for the evil idea of uniting a world in which so many are Muslims who support terrorism.

Once again Devine's logic is as brilliant as it is infallible - any scientist who supports the notion of global warming as posing dramatic and imminent consequences is clearly biased since they don't support the Howard government and are thus left-wing. Since left-wing people like Muslims who like terrorists, this whole global warming thing must be little more than a ploy to divert the world's attention from its hatred of terrorists, thus ensuring that Al Gore will be elected President in 2008.

Miranda Devine will not only win a Walkley for this report, but probably a Nobel Prize for Science too. After the Royal Commission of course.

Turnbull v Garrett

Summary of Debate between Malcolm Turnbull and Peter Garrett on The 7.30 Report, 08/02/2007.

Turnbull: We're saving the Murray-Darling.

Garrett: You can't save it properly without doing something about global warming.

Turnbull: You're being alarmist. There's no need to scare people.

Garrett: But global warming is real and Australia will be amongst the hardest hit nations. We need to do something dramatic right now.

Turnbull: There you go being alarmist again. No, we need to take a measured approach.

Garrett: What do you mean by measured approach? It seems to mean a slow approach.

Turnbull: No. It means a sensible approach. We're going to take a sensible approach.

Garrett: How sensible?

Turnbull: Very sensible.

Garrett: No, I mean what are you actually going to do about it?

Turnbull: I told you, we're going to take a measured approach.

Garrett: And what does that involve?

Turnbull: Well we can't be alarmist about this. Why do you Labor people want to go around scaring people? The Liberal Party want everyone to be relaxed and comfortable, which is why they vote for us. Maybe if you stopped scaring people they'd vote for you too.

Garrett: But people need to be worried about this, its the biggest problem facing the world today!

Turnbull: Bigger than terrorism?

Garrett: Well... yes.

Turnbull: You would say that. You're soft on terrorism.

Garrett: What?! No, look, we need to do something about this and we need to do it now.

Turnbull: Why do you hate the economy?

Garrett: Eh?

Turnbull: Clearly you must hate the Australian economy.

Garrett: But we can impose emissions restrictions and a carbon trading scheme which will stimulate business. That's a myth that environmentalism hurts the economy.

Turnbull: You just said you want to restrict business. Therefore you hate the economy. And can I just also say that you also love recessions and debt.

Garrett: You're not making any sense.

Turnbull: Yes I am, you just wouldn't understand because I'm talking about the economy and only a Liberal government can understand the economy.

Garrett: Look, we need to do something about global warming, and we need to do it now. We need to invest in renewable energy sources.

Turnbull: And where's the money for that going to come from?

Garrett: Well where's the money for your magic nuclear power stations going to come from?

Turnbull: From the economy. You wouldn't understand.

Garrett: China uses more renewable energy than we do.

Turnbull: Yes, but they pollute more than we do. There's no point in us doing anything about global warming if they're not going to.

Garrett: But China is saying the same thing about Australia and the US!

Turnbull: Well I don't think its helpful to go playing the blame game. Why do you want to put us at an economic disadvantage?

Garrett: We need to work together. We need to sign the Kyoto protocol for a start...

Turnbull: That's just a piece of paper.

Garrett: No its not, its a multi-lateral agreement...

Turnbull: Why are you so obsessed with a piece of paper?

Garrett: Why won't you sign it if its just a piece of paper?

Turnbull: Because its a piece of paper that will hurt the economy. People will lose their jobs. I would say to everyone at home that if you don't want to lose your job, don't vote Labor.

Garrett: You're the one scaring people with all this rubbish about losing jobs!

Turnbull: No, we're taking a measured approach. The economy, jobs... you wouldn't understand. Did I mention that we've pretty much got this saving the Murray thing sewn up?

Hicks not nice: Henderson

Supporters of David Hicks were this week shocked by Gerard Henderson's revelation that in fact, David Hicks is not a nice person. Henderson's groundbreaking expose on Hicks draws heavily on research which led him to discover little-known footage of the Adelaide man's letters to his father. The footage has remained unseen for many months now, because it was broadcast in prime-time on the SBS network.

"I was stunned to hear of this" declared human rights campaigner Selma Ramos. "If I had known all this time that David Hicks once had a commitment to radical Islam and said some anti-semitic things, I'd never have got on board with this case."

Other campaigners have expressed similar disappointment. Stewart Barr, president of Amnesty International Australia told The Daily Worry "Look this really is heartbreaking, we feel lied to and betrayed. His dad told us he was a nice boy who'd done nothing wrong. I mean, we knew he'd met Osama Bin Laden, but it didn't click with us exactly what that meant until Henderson pointed out that Bin Laden doesn't 'mix with idiots who have made unfortunate career decisions'. David is obviously following the career-path he chose, so we should leave him to it."

Asked if Amnesty International would continue to campaign for Hicks, Barr replied "absolutely not. Amnesty only stands up for the rights of people who are nice, because yucky people deserve whatever they get."

Greens leader Bob Brown was similarly disillusioned. "The Greens completely support due process and the right of habeas corpus. We believe that people should be quickly tried under a fair and impartial judicial system and should not be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment or extended periods of solitary confinement. But only if they're nice people."

Democrats senator Natasha Stott Despoja was likewise excusatory. "I'd just like to say thankyou to Gerard Henderson. If he hadn't pointed out that David Hicks had changed his name to Mohammed Dawood some years ago, I'd still be supporting him."

Asked whether she'd be offering the government an apology for her misguidedly persistent badgering over Hicks, Ms Stott Despoja replied "look, I don't subscribe to the black-armband view of history so I'm not going to go apologising for things which happened in the past."

Man runs out of space on iPod

A twenty-six year old Sydney man today found himself unable to upload any more tracks to his 60gb iPod. Terry Anderson of Mortdale encountered the calamity whilst attempting to upload Shakira's 'Hips Don't Lie' to his black video iPod.

"I was shocked" he told The Daily Worry. "You just don't expect this kind of thing. I mean, I'd heard stories about it happening to other people, but you just don't expect that kind of thing here in Australia. Apple say that this thing holds fifteen-thousand songs, but I say that's rubbish. I haven't counted exactly, but I'm sure I probably had less than fourteen thousand on there. I've had to delete 'The Very Best of Plastic Bertrand' to make room for my new Anthony Calea album, its a disgrace."

Apple spokeswoman Jessica Allsop, when asked to comment, insisted "we only claim that the 60gb model holds 'up to' fifteen-thousand songs, the actual number depends on the size of each song. Plus he should have bought the 80gb model, the 60gb iPod is not designed to accommodate Plastic Bertrand - it says so in the End User License Agreement embedded on page forty-two of the multilingual manual inside the shrinkwrapped box."

Mark Henderson SC of Henderson & Birch believes Apple is guilty of a vast conspiracy. "Everybody, absolutely everybody on the entire planet is sick to death of Apple's weasel-worded hyperbole. Its a clear breach of the Trade Practices Act. Apple have engaged in misleading and deceptive conduct and should be persecuted at the Hague."

Steve Shields, spokesman for rival Creative Audio agreed. "Look, Apple have been inflating these figures for years, and something needs to be done about it. Their products are clearly inferior. I would say to people unhappy with Apple that they should try our new 60gb Zen model, which holds up to sixteen-thousand songs."

In the meantime Anderson says he'll just have to deal with a more limited selection of music during his train ride to Central each morning - "It takes six hours to get into the city these days. If the government won't fix the trains they could at least subsidise 80gb iPods."

New Blog

Today I created this blog and moved some of the posts from my MySpace blog here. The MySpace blog archive is still available at http://blog.myspace.com/nathanworryaboutitlater - comments included. Its also a MySpace music account, so you can check out some of my new tracks (when I get around to uploading them).

I got a bit sick of the rigidity of the MySpace blog, particularly the fact that only MySpace friends could comment.

Debnam Blackballs Forbiddance

NSW Opposition Leader Peter Debnam today made headlines with his visionary plan to ban the banning of the Australian flag. In a grubby attempt to win some cheap political points from this adroit plan the NSW Greens immediately retorted with a communist plan to ban the banning of bans on flags. The Young Liberals then responded with an intelligent plan to ban the banning of tobacco advertising, but determined that marijuana should remain banned, and the Green Party should also be banned for their plan to ban the bans on it. Still, in amongst all this rotten politicking shone clear the forward-thinking logic of a great and unifying alternative leader.

"Im not prepared to stand back and let our national flag be banned... It's just not on. Next they'll say we can't sing the national anthem at the football."

Our glorious anthem puts the fear of God into the hearts of the opposition. We don't want to run the risk of not being able to sing our great and rousing anthem at the footy, so whoever 'they' are, Debnam's plan to ban them makes sense.

Debnam also promised to end the iniquity between thousand year old sites housing irreplaceable ancient Aboriginal art and spiritually significant artefacts and relics, and plaques outside of RSL clubs. "If you desecrate an Aboriginal site the fine is $11,000; if you desecrate a war memorial it's $2200... That's wrong and we're going to change it."

Debnam stresssed that "as someone who served in the navy and served under the flag" he felt that the time had come for NSW to lend a helping hand to the rest of the nation, and for us to join our fellow man in making a stand to protect the motherland. Debnam wants you as a new recruit.

Debnam's proposal for a national symbols bill includes the following:

- The flag should not be subjected to indignity or displayed below any other, because it is better than any other flag.
- It should not be allowed to fall or lie upon the ground, punishable by public flogging.
- It should not cover a statue, monument or plaque, or be used as a table or seat cover, but can be used as a cape, bandanna, dress, picnic rug or call to arms at music festivals.
- When the flag is raised or lowered, or carried in a parade or review, all present should face it, to make sure nobody steals it. Men should remove their hats and all should remain silent, because the flag hates hats and noise.
- Those who refuse to kiss the flag on request should have the shit kicked out of them by skinheads.

The Flag Thing

http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/ban-big-day-out-not-flag/2007/01/22/1169330794734.html

Warning: The Following commentary does not contain satire, or any of the devices thereof, including, but not limited to, hyperbole, irony, mockery, selection of detail, juxtaposition, euphemism, litotes or any form of understatement. Anyone with a history of aversion to serious comment should consult their doctor before ingesting this article. In the event of offence or outrage, induce vomiting.

The Big Day Out organisers have made a perfectly reasonable policy decision to discourage the exhibition of Australian flags at the Sydney leg of the festival in an attempt to avoid ethnic violence. So obviously the Telegraph and every politician under the sun feels the need to jump in with their two-cents worth in an attempt to score some free points with the proletariat - what a disgraceful bunch of opportunists. What was the Premier's response to this announcement? Thoughtful contemplation of the complex issues surrounding our national identity? Musings on the multi-faceted significance of the flag as a symbol of nationhood? Perhaps an expression of sorrow and a sincere apology that his government has not done more to douse the flames of bigotry in this state? Of course not, his response was as boring as it was predictable. He expressed 'outrage', a thoughtless, meaningless, knee-jerk response to a serious issue, proving just how unimaginative and intellectually bankrupt Australian politics has become.

There have been plenty of occassions where I've decked myself in green and gold and cloaked myself proudly in a gigantic Australian flag, but the BDO doesn't seem like the time or place, especially since its not an Australia Day event this year. The fact of the matter is that the Australian flag is used to incite ethnic hatred and violence. The politicians clamouring to express their disgust at this decision will be the first to point the finger at anyone who isn't white when the violence starts - we already know that Peter Debnam, our alternative NSW Premier, wouldn't mind seeing a few Muslim youths 'rounded up' and summarily punished. We can't keep dismissing violent racist white people as 'hooligans' every time this sort of thing goes down - at some stage it comes time to ponder whether perhaps there are more racist whiteys than we'd like to admit. But hey, in the meantime lets just throw shit at anyone brave enough to fess up to the blinding reality and bring these issues to the fore.

Displays of the flag must be put in proper context. At a cricket match such exhibits declare, "we're Australian and we're going to beat you". In Cronulla they suggest "we're Australian and we're going to beat you up". Anyone who insists that the flag is a 'symbol of unity' should pull their heads from their arses - its got the Union Jack in the corner, a symbol of Anglo pride if ever there was one. Since when did we become so nationalistic? At what stage did we become so convinced of our superiority? We're supposed to come "from all the lands on Earth", yet it seems that no refugee can join the club without a lengthy hazing in prison first. Are we supposed to feel some surge of patriotism this week as we reflect on these things? Or do we just forget about all the negative shit for a while and pretend everything is alright? The last thing I'll be wearing on Friday is an Australian flag. 219 years since invasion doesn't seem like such a great thing to celebrate. I don't think David Hicks will be celebrating either.

Field Day 2007

An article I wrote for Tranzfusion. My journalistic integrity is for sale any time, all it takes is free vip tickets.

http://www.tranzfusion.com/articles/shownews.asp?newsid=6139

Aussie Values Study Guide

The government's new citizenship test ensures that all Australians, except those born here, have an appreciation of those things which make us uniquely Australian. Behind 'staying the course', this policy is quite probably Howard's most ingenious yet, because it solves every problem we've ever had with ethnic integration in this country. You see, the problem has always been that despite the best efforts of Australians to make new Australians feel at home, new Australians obstinately insist upon their right to be different. For example, many have the audacity to speak with accents, or even pray to strange gods, which makes proper Australians feel uncomfortable. When we feel uncomfortable, we can't help feeling hostile toward that which is making us uncomfortable. If an itch was making you uncomfortable, you would scratch it. The most accurate way to think of the famous riots of Cronulla is as a good, vigorous scratch.

To help prospective candidates for the position of 'New Australian', I have prepared a brief study guide covering the central aspects of being 'true blue'. Be aware that you will need to practise the material covered in everyday life, and much of it may be incompatible with your own strange and/or weird foreign ways.


Mateship

Mateship is a secular religion in Australia stemming from the centuries old practice of referring to people whose name you have forgotten as 'mate'. It stands for everything that is Australian - getting pissed with your mates, helping out a mate, looking out for a mate, and having your mates around for a 'barbie'. (See 'barbie' under 'Food'). Contrary to popular belief, there is no synonym for the word 'mate'. Mateship is not 'friendship', since 'friendship' implies a kind of emotional attachment, which is of course a completely homo and/or feminine sentiment. There is nothing girly about mateship. It is a white heterosexual male concept and thus transcends all relevant racial and cultural boundaries.

Example usage:

- "Listen mate, I'm gonna need you to sign this AWA."
- "Sorry 'bout the wait mate, but they promise they'll have these military commisions up and running any month now."


Language

The official language of Australia is Australian. You will be expected to be able to speak it. And write it too, even if you happen to be dislexic or illiterate in your native language. You will be expected to speak Australian when communicating in public, since your native tongue makes real Australians feel uncomfortable. If you happen to cause a riot by making members of a white upper-middle class suburb fear that you are speaking in a foreign language about the many ways you plan to desecrate their freshly mown lawn, you will be expected to apologise to the local RSL club.


Food

Australian cuisine is world renowned for its vibrant use of condiments and subtle lack of spices. The most famous Australian meal is the barbecue, or 'barbie'. The barbie is an outdoor cooking plate used to fry sausages, steak and mince-patties. Claims that it can also be used to grill eggplant are yet to be verified. Australians are also big fans of foreign cuisine, regularly indulging in such exotic dishes as Sweet & Sour Pork, Dim Sims and Butter Chicken. The recent trend toward modern 'cultural fusion' dishes is therefore quite unsurprising. One favourite is Spring Rolls dipped in Heinz tomato sauce.


Ethics

Not to be confused with 'ethnics', ethics are actually a positive force in Australian society. Some examples that new Australians may not be aware of include our disdain for human sacrifices, our disapproval toward Germaine Greer, our frowning upon marriage between siblings, our disgust at racism, and our hatred of South Africans (but only the white ones).

We will not tolerate violence against women when they don't deserve it, and are especially vigilant toward any instances of sexual assault involving multiple assailants, or 'ethnic gangs' as we call them.


Religion

The constitution of Australia reads "Whereas the people of New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Queensland, and Tasmania, humbly relying on the blessing of Almighty God, have agreed to unite in one indissoluble Federal Commonwealth". It is of particular note that the constitutional preamble does not refer to Allah. Nevertheless, Australians, despite being under no obligation to do so, have kindly opened their doors to foreigners of all lands, and with great generosity allowed them to practice whichever religion they choose. Australians are especially fond of touchy-feely religions which promote meditation and whose holy figures make tremendous hand-carved holiday souvenirs and incense holders. They are thoroughly disapproving however of any religion which promotes hatred and intolerance, but like Christianity because Christmas and Easter are fun. Australians believe that it is important to tolerate all religions, however much their mosques devalue the local property market. Australians are maliciously contemptuous of Tom Cruise and all his Scientology disciples, whose religion encourages heartbreak upon our Nic.


Sport

More important than religion in Australia is sport. Sport crosses cultural boundaries, and is thus infinitely more effective that the UN in cementing friendly ties with other nations, even the uncivilized ones. For example, every couple of years we play test cricket against Pakistan because, try as they might, the United States just aren't very good at cricket. You will be expected to paint your face green and gold for the duration of every Olympic Games and World Cup, and stop supporting the country of your birth immediately. Australians do not like new Australians who do not share their fervent passion for Australia's sporting success.


Government

Australia enjoys a democratic system of government run by John Howard, the greatest Prime Minister Australia has ever had. You will be expected, as a true Australian, to vote Liberal. Failure to vote Liberal will lead to interest rates as high as 87%. It is a well-established fact that Labor kills babies at the behest of the Unions.


Aborigines

Aborigines are the native people of this country. They are good at throwing boomerangs and playing didgeridoos. In 1788 they were rescued from savagery by European settlement. Aborigines like to get drunk with Justice Michael Kirby at gay bars and make up devious lies in an attempt to steal people's land. If it weren't for John Howard, Australia would be entirely owned by Aborigines, who would force us to pay them eleventy-billion dollars in welfare every day.


Welfare

In the spirit of 'a fair go', Australia's welfare system is being slowly dismantled. This will ensure that all Australians who aren't bludgers will be given a fair go at not paying for students to learn about Communism or for Aborigines to buy food, medical supplies and petrol to sniff. This money will instead be redirected, with stay-at-home mums given a fair go at not having to do men's jobs and drought-stricken farmers a fair go at coaxing another crop out of their untillable land some time in the next six years.


Travel

Australians have a proud tradition of overseas travel. Most young Australians will spend several months globe trotting through Europe, South-East Asia and North America, because these are the safest and easiest parts of the world in which to get pissed and desecrate hallowed relics.

There are many theories as to why Australians feel such a pressing urge to see the world, but the most likely is that there is no greater pleasure for a true blue Aussie than to visit inferior nations in order to assert one's superiority over them. A real Australian can think of few dandier delights than getting hammered in a Bangkok strip-club with his mates and making fun of the taxi driver's funny accent on the way back to the Novotel.


ANZACS

ANZAC is an acronym standing for Australia New Zealand Army Corps. But ANZAC is more than the sum of its parts. In Australia it is a kind of spiritual force, best typified by Simpson and his donkey. Simpson was a stretcher bearer at Gallipolli, a strip of sand in Turkey where thousands of Australians were killed in glorious defeat thanks to the incompetence of the Poms, who have since been duly punished on the cricket field. Any suggestions that Simpson was an illegal immigrant, socialist, unionist and army deserter are lies spread by un-Australian Black Armband historians who hate freedom.

Charlie at Twelve O'Clock

You spot something out of the corner of your eye. A flash of colour, a shrill voice, in any other context benign, today spells danger. Real danger. This could get ugly. You know what needs to be done. Stooping a little you slowly begin to veer away from the menace. If you can just stay out of their line of sight you might get lucky. Something might distract them. You could make a dash for safety. A sense of imminent doom permeates your very being. Past experience dictates that this is going to end horribly. You've been spotted. It's time to move, and move you do. Your step quickens, pack beating against your back to the rhythm of your step. You stumble, recover, he's moving in on you.

Suddenly you swerve, changing course in the hope of throwing him off. Momentarily taken aback by such a bold move the enemy reassesses before plotting a new course to cut you off at the pass. This isn't going well, you knew you shouldn't have taken such an obvious route, what a fool you've been! For the sake of saving a couple of minutes you've exposed yourself. Cold, vulnerable, out in the open, waiting to be picked off like a lame antelope.

'Not today', you resolve.
'You can get me tomorrow, but today is my day.'

Courage is a strange beast. It seems to desert us at the most irritating moments. When you're about to unleash your skateboard down a four metre high ramp, or put your hand up for a penalty kick, or talk to that beautiful young something at the bar. But when courage is truly called for, that's when the men are sorted from the boys. Your courage doesn't desert you today.

You change direction, feigning a direct retreat before spinning 180 degrees to charge the foe head on. Darting left and right and left again you know you have him confused. This is it, the moment of truth. At the instant of impact you pirouette past your adversary and make your dash to freedom. All the defeated combatant can do is stare in disbelief as you make your getaway.

Emboldened by your stunning victory you charge gleefully on, drunk on triumph, entirely assured of you own greatness. Today is your day and life is looking up. It'll be cigars and margaritas tonight baby.

Then you hear it. You should have known he'd call for reinforcements, how could you be so reckless? Words to send chills down the spine of any urban warrior. A friendly hand cast menacingly toward you.

"Hello, have you got a minute to spare for homeless diabetic whale cancer research?" Clutching protectively at the wallet containing your credit card you think, "this really is the last time I walk through Martin Place at lunch..."

How to tell if you're a handwringing pinko leftie do-gooder.

These guys are totally sick for tofu
and Che Guevara T-Shirts.

As an exercise in self-analysis I have identified fifteen surefire signs that you are in fact, bourgeois trash. The truth is often a bitter pill to swallow, but if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? George Bush is always a safe bet. And the survey says...

- Anyone who claims to be 'de-toxing'. You cannot cleanse your liver or heal your body in just three weeks. It really doesn't work like that.

- Anyone who drinks Soy Lattes. Everyone knows they taste like absolute s#it, so why put yourself through it?

- Use of the word 'fascist' as a synonym for 'conservative' or 'right-wing'.

- Emailing friends political articles from the Herald with the subject header:
['Alan Ramsey explains why Howard is going to lose the next election.']

- Anyone who, like me, thinks that owning two Scissor Sisters albums makes them outrageously cool.

- Anyone who claims to be a 'proper bisexual' but has never had a partner of the same sex.

- Any man who moisturises his hands.

- Any wealthy parent who chooses to support public education by sending their child to a state primary school, then sends them to Cranbrook or Knox for high school.

- Anyone who insists on adding 'and the locals were so poor, but they kept smiling' to every second sentence describing their recent overseas holiday.

- People who believe that doing yoga in a 46 degree heated room does anything but make other people's farts smell worse.

- People who only eat organic and describe genetically modified food as 'Frankenstein food' *. These people are very difficult to cook for, and always embarrass you at cafes by insisting that their soy latte be made from non-genetically modified soybeans.

- The drinking of Aloe Vera Juice is a surefire sign that you are completely and utterly pink.

- People who preach religious tolerance, but make an exception for scientology.

- Anyone who writes Haikus.

- Anyone hoping for another interest rate rise before the next election.

- Anyone who thinks its just oh so vogue and postmodern to deride themselves and their own subculture on their blog is a filthy pinko left-wing intellectual elitist.

* No animal DNA is present, though GM food remains a complex issue. Environmentalists have convinced African leaders to reject millions of dollars worth of desperately needed grain donations. Such GM seeds are modified to better withstand the continent's often harsh and arid climates and harvest up to eight times more efficiently. On the one hand, Africans continue to starve as their governments play it safe. On the other, your body is your temple, even if it is a hungry temple. No seriously, there is a good argument to be made against GM food: http://www.greens.org/s-r/34/34-09.html.

All aboard the stabbetycopter

Public outcry and moral indignation are two of my favourte things, so needless to say I've very much enjoyed the announcement of OJ Simpson's new book 'If I Did It'. Simpson, who still owes his former wife's family $44 million after being found responsible in civil proceedings for her death, has stumbled upon a neat way to make some cash - write a book about how he might have killed Nicole Brown Simpson. If he did it. You know, just hypothetically. Might have done it, might not have. Just gonna write a book about it, you know, throw a few ideas out there, stir the pot a bit, make millions of dollars out of murdering someone, that sort of thing. I'm not entirely sure why he'd bother with the whole 'if' masquerade though. Double jeopardy laws ensure that he's completely safe from a second prosecution and I'm pretty confident that 'Yup, I totally did it: and you'll never guess how!' would walk off the shelves.

I have managed to get my hands on some exclusive extracts of this book, and they make for very interesting reading. Here's just a few samples:

- "Say for example I walked in the front door, and she was like there, I like, might have just wanted to talk to her. We're not at the stabbing part yet, that comes later."

- "Maybe Ronald Goldman got in the way whilst trying to protect her. Maybe Ronald Goldman was sitting on the couch eating hot chips and patiently waiting for his turn. More likely he was first though - stabbing practice. That handsome nancy boy model could never take me on, I was the first player to ever run over 2000 yards in one season. Who da man?! Not Ronald Goldman, he's so dead from stab wounds."

- "I might not have been able to find a glove that fitted, so I might have just grabbed one that was a bit of a tight fit. It did the trick. I mean, it might have done the trick."

- "She might have struggled. Then again she might have liked it cause she might have thought it was totally kinky. Or maybe I'm just a filthy wife-beater. You'll never know. Except for that last bit."

- "Now this may come as a shock, but I actually shot her with a sawn-off shotgun... You believed me didn't you? Oh man, you been so Juiced..."

- "Alright, seriously, this is actually what might have happened. I might have stabbed her. Is that what you wanted to hear? There fine, I said it, I might have stabbed her. I hope you've all got closure now."

- "Lemon juice is ideal for adding a zesty tang to any salad. It also blinds people when you squirt it in their eyes, making them more susceptible to a good old fashioned stabbin'. I love that word. 'Stab'. If you say it twenty times fast, it sounds like a helicopter!"

- "Speaking of helicopters, a couple might have followed me as I fled the scene. I was driving along, and I'm like, 'damn, what's that noise, it sounds like someone saying stab stab stab stab...'"

- "I might have got in my white Ford Bronco to flee the murder scene. Or I might have been at home watching re-runs of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. That's a funny show. I might have enjoyed that."

- "The Ford Bronco might have been brown. I came so close to getting the brown one, it was actually the dealer who talked me out of it. He said 'OJ, you're wife is white, you should get a white car.' In hindsight I should have got the brown one. That guy's logic was so flawed."

As Naomi Robson would say, "hmmm, it really makes you think." What a strange thing for someone who's clearly incapable of thinking for herself to say. As Ray Martin would say, "I'm Ray Martin, have a great evening, hope you enjoy your weekend, we'll see you back here on Monday. Goodnight." But he never came back, and Monday's just aren't the same. Stab it.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/people/ojs-revolting-confession/2006/11/16/1163266678010.html

Because sometimes you just hate people.

"So, what have you been up to?" - Ten answers not to give.

- "Just hangin' round the park hunting stray domestic animals with a machete."

- "I've been working on my novel about a rapist clown. He likes to keep the nipples as souvenirs. Its a comedy."

- "I've been so busy trying to keep my boyfriend and girlfriend from finding out about each other."

- "Actually, I've gotten into the habit of lubricating my fingers and playing with my anus whilst I masturbate."

- "Sorry, I can't talk now, I've got a bus to catch. These backpacks don't detonate themselves you know!"

- "Campaigning to convince people of the virtues of WorkChoices."

- "Kiddy fiddling."

- "Since you ask, have you heard of Dianetics?"

- "Well I've got this new girlfriend who's totally into all that vampire shit..."

- "Just been chillin' with my mate Shannon. You know Shannon Noll? Yeah, he's like, my best mate now..."

Not the only man to get stabbed in the heart by something with flaps that smell like fish.

A Tribute to Steve Irwin.

Steve, though you were always a source of cheap laughs and amusement for my friends and I, we do genuinely miss you. Its always sad when a guy who brings smiles passes. And its always sad when someone you can truly identify with leaves us. But most of all I'm pissed off that I can't do my stellar impersonation of you anymore.

Steve, in you we saw so much of the quintessential Australian. In fact, I see myself as quite the quintessential Australian - we shared so many traits I feel as though a part of me has died with you. For example:

- Our unwavering confidence in our own taste in clothing.You wore Khaki everywhere, and I wear a suit Monday through Friday. My favourite shirt is the iridescent pink one. I like to couple it with a cerise and blue tie.

- You wrestled crocodiles with nothing but a rope and some gaffer-tape. I once caught a hairy spider with a glass. It was huuuuuuge!

- You were a fierce and active supporter of environmental conservation. I once voted for the Greens at a council election. Clearly we're both willing to make sacrifices for the planet.

- By all accounts you always went out of your way to speak to people you didn't have to and to make your colleagues feel like part of the family. I always go out of my way to speak to girls in nightclubs and invite them to start a family with me. Or at least meet my mum.

- You had blonde hair. I have blonde hair. I get it done by a guy named Roderigo at a boutique Salon in Surry Hills. I just don't trust anybody else.

- For you, nothing came close to camping out in the rugged outdoors. This must be in an Australian's blood, because I usually sleep with the window open in summer. In fact I'm so passionate about this that I just got a fly-screen put up to keep the insects out.

- When it came to dangerous reptiles, you believed in giving infant children the same baptism of fire you got from your dad. I also believe in scaring the crap out of babies for the amusement of others. If it was good enough for me to be put in a suitcase by my dad and thrown down the stairs to the cheers of fourteen drunk middle-aged cricket fans, its good enough for anyone else who isn't old enough to support their own head.

- You ran your own successful multi-million dollar enterprise. I also have ingrained in me the business acumen of five generations of white-Australia. I like to buy things off ebay, then sell them two months later at a profit.

- You were always striving to open people's eyes to the beauty of the wonderful fauna this great nation is blessed with. I too am always trying to convince my friends that my cat really is very friendly when you get to know her. You just have to get past the scratching and the furballs and allergens.

So you see Steve, you and I aren't so different, and if you're what it means to be Australian, I'm damn proud to call myself orrrstrayan.