Murdoch link to campus killer Cho

Breaking News

Yesterday The Daily Telegraph published the following article: Iraq link to campus killer Cho.

Reports are now filtering in that police have arrested Rupert Murdoch, majority owner of News Corporation, publishers of The Daily Telegraph, over his links to the Virginia Tech gunman and any role he might have played in the massacre.

There is also speculation that since the gunman was Korean, Kim Jong Il might have been involved. The United States is currently considering a retaliatory strike against North Korea's closest ally China.

The NRA Plan for World Peace

The man who sold Cho Seung-hui a gun which was later used to massacre thirty-two students at Virginia Tech has told reporters that he wished that students were allowed to carry firearms to class as this would have made the campus safer.

Virginia appears to have some of the most wonderfully freedom-loving gun laws in the world - anyone over 18 can purchase an assault weapon, children can be given guns from age 12 without parental consent, owners are free to carry loaded, concealed handguns in public, no license is required, no child safety-locking device is required to be sold with a gun, there is no 'cooling off' period after a firearm purchase, there is no requirement to register firearms, and strangely, guns sold at gun-shows are sold without background checks.

The lone gun-control law on the books in Virginia seems to be that students may not take firearms to class. Now John Markell, owner of the gun shop where Cho Seung-hui purchased one of the guns used to commit wholesale murder, is blaming that law for the massacre. Because schools would be a lot safer if everybody was carrying guns. Then people wouldn't get shot. Yes, that's the idea, and if you follow the logic it all makes perfect sense. We all need guns to protect ourselves from people with guns. You can't take all the guns away because people have a right to protect themselves from people with guns. And people who sell guns to murderers have no blood on their hands, its all the fault of that damn pesky legislature for stopping the victims from carrying guns. In fact, if every student were required to wear kevlar body armour to class, and store an AK-47 in their locker, none of this would have happened because everyone would just calmly talk over their differences before reaching a mutually agreeable compromise.

So the bottom line is, guns don't kill people, gun-control laws kill people. I've never really felt safe walking down the street at night in Sydney knowing that I don't have a gun to protect myself from all the people around me who don't have guns. So instead of going to all the effort of preventing Iran from building nuclear weapons, why don't we just give nuclear weapons to every nation on earth? Brilliant!

Exclusive: Labor Party Producing Generation of Slave-Drones

New Opposition education spokesperson Andrew Stoner's first public act in the job has been to attack the Teachers Federation for their attempts to "brainwash" students through the display in public schools of advertising posters for Sunday's Rockin' For Rights concert in Sydney. The concert aims to protest the Federal government's industrial relations reforms, and says Stoner, "It's brainwashing kids to Labor's own political agenda."

Stoner went on to explain that politics has no place in public schools, and that if parents wanted their children exposed to political agendas they were free to pay thousands in fees at exclusive private schools, and that any Liberal government would be happy to subsidise this choice.

Other Opposition MPs joined the chorus of discontent, one explaining to The Daily Worry that "it is not the role of teachers to politicise issues, but to present the facts in a fair and impartial manner. So for example a teacher could explain to their students that the new laws will result in the teacher being paid less and the students having to accept low wages without any benefits or protections when they take up their first job, but that this is not necessarily a bad thing."

Malcolm Greenwood of the NSW Young Liberals told The Daily Worry that in the interests of fairness, teachers should explain to students the flip-side of union arguments - "that any superficially negative outcomes are balanced against the new ability for wealthy skilled workers to negotiate even more money, and that the peace of mind afforded business in knowing that it can sack people for no reason means that unemployment can be reduced through the creation of even more low-wage unprotected jobs. Which in turn means less dole-bludgers, and that's something we can all support."

Federal MPs were also outraged, one Liberal backbencher complaining to The Daily Worry that union advertising has always glossed over the fact that lower wages result in greater employment and lower inflation - "just look at China for example. Nearly anyone can get a job. Multi-national corporations like Nike are absolutely clamouring to do business there, and the Yuan is going gangbusters. Do we really want to be left behind?"

The Teachers Federation declined our request for comment, explaining that all delegates were currently on smoko.

Sunrise Family Split: Joe forbidden to play with Kevin

The Sunrise family is in mourning today after two of its favourite sons announced their decision to call an end to their regular Friday morning superciliousness contest.

Channel 7 spokesperson Andrew Douglas has told The Daily Worry that recent advertisements boasting that 'whatever office they hold' the pair would continue to make time for Mel and Koschie, are expected to be modified to include a brief disclaimer.

It is understood that Joe Hockey is in trouble with his colleagues, and possibly his mum and dad, for being friends with 'that no-good Kevin boy'. Hockey publicly defended the Opposition Leader's mismanagement of the recent 'Sun Lies' debacle, in which Rudd was complicit in the Seven Network's plan to exploit untested and potentially dangerous theories of quantum physics to move dawn forward up to two hours in Southeast Asia to accommodate the higher ratings period during their proposed ANZAC Vietnam memorial service.

Asked by Laurie Oakes on Nine's Sunday program whether he would like to take the opportunity to make the other kids like him again by saying mean things about Kevin Rudd and the Seven Network, Hockey was quick to declare "I am part of the Sunrise family and each Friday morning we speak to nearly half a million Australians and that's very important and it is a very important way of communicating with people. But I think this has taken on a new level and there are a whole lot of questions that need to be answered by Mr Rudd."

Whilst that answer seems to have saved Hockey from six of the best from Old Man Howard, who was unable to effectively attack Rudd following his minister's gushing declaration of man-love, it was not enough for Oakes, who wanted Hockey to publicly disavow his Sunrise family on air. Hockey's refusal to do so angered Oakes, who at one point looked like he might eat Hockey, or at least have him cryogenically frozen for later.

Kevin Rudd's office has issued a statement saying that the Sunrise family had split due to 'creative differences'. The statement went on to explain that Kevin and Joe were heading 'in different directions' with Kevin pursuing a solo career as Prime Minister and Joe a rewarding position as a Shadow Minister for who-gives-a-shit.

Alan Jones: A Parroty of Himself

With Media Watch's defecatory brush of liberal bias currently distracted by bigger issues, such as polar bears and underexposed photographs, the task of keeping the public informed about Alan Jones' recent tumults has fallen upon The Daily Worry.

Now, we're not suggesting that Alan Jones is a racist, mealy-mouthed, divisive, narcissistic, hypocritical, public toilet frequenting closet homosexual man-parrot - we'll leave that to Chris Masters. We are merely imploring the hero of the masses to accept due credit for his heroic deeds in the week leading up to the 2005 Cronulla Revolution.

This week the Australian Communications and Media Authority found Jones guilty of having made comments on his 2GB breakfast radio program between December 5-9 which were "likely to encourage violence or brutality and to vilify people of Lebanese and Middle-Eastern backgrounds on the basis of ethnicity".

Jones responded to the finding on air thusly - "To be charged with all of this is just unbelievable, especially when you've mounted the defences, and these were our defences, and at the end of the day, they didn't want to know about the defences". Yes Alan, we agree. It is disgraceful that one should be found guilty despite having gone to all the effort of mounting a defence.

Jones must come to recognise that whilst the people love him, those with power despise him. Except of course for our beloved and noble Prime Minister, who was quick to announce "I am not going to get involved in comments on individual decisions" before going on to involve himself in ACMA's decision by declaring "I don't think he's a person who encourages prejudice in the Australian community, not for one moment, but he is a person who articulates what a lot of people think".

How true. A lot of people thought that a violent alcohol-fuelled riot would be the best way of resolving the complex issues of increasing cultural tension. By the Thursday before the riot Jones was demanding tribute as the leader of the Revolution - "I'm the person that's led this charge here. Nobody wanted to know about North Cronulla, now it's gathered to this."

Yet now, the modest hero denies all - "Anyone who knows me knows I've never encouraged violence or brutality in anything ... and I did the exact opposite but our defences counted for nothing."

When a certain caller, identified only as John, called on the Tuesday of that hallowed week, he passed unto Alan Jones' listeners a fragment of wisdom for the ages. "Shoot one, the rest will run" he promised. Did Alan Jones then do the exact opposite of encouraging violence and brutality as he now humbly claims? No readers, verily unto you I say that Jones laughed heartily before replying "No, you don't play Queensberry's rules. Good on you John."

Alan Jones. Humble servant of the Revolution.

World Exclusive: Somebody's Holiday Snaps

Banaue, Philippines.

(Above) Traditional Malaysian dance.

Readers Shocked: Blogger Apologises for Lack of Recent Entries

In a stunning move that has sent shockwaves through the blogosphere, the editor of the much maligned publication Worry About it Later has issued a public apology for his lack of recent updates.

The apology has been met with mixed responses. Abigail West of Readers for Justice expressed delight - "finally, after all these weeks the fight is over. All we wanted was some recognition, an acknowledgement from the publication of the pain their lack of updates has caused. For days upon days we were left in the dark, with no idea what was really happening in the state election, or whether Brian Burke would make a good punchline to a faux-intellectual satirical piece. It was painful, but today we achieved justice."

Not everybody is satisfied however. Harold Blake, spokesperson for the NSW Victims of Crime organisation told The Daily Worry "this apology is completely meaningless and totally disingenuous. If this is all a blogger has to do to escape their obligations these days we're going to see a spate of these cases over the next few years. The government needs to make a stand against these types of breaches of trust right now."

Analyst Robin Stevens has refuted these suggestions, proposing that "bloggers are responsible people like you and me. These new laws give bloggers the freedom to choose when and how they operate their blogs and allow for more effective negotiations between bloggers and readers. Its all about flexibility and choice, which is why we've named these laws BlogChoices."

Research conducted by The Daily Worry's work experience student shows that this is only the third time since the invention of email that a blogger has admitted liability for a lack of posts and issued an apology for excessive delays. The editor claims he spent several days in rehab in the Philippines and has issued photographic evidence. Critics have suggested however that he also spent time catching up with friends in Malaysia, citing leaked photos as proof.

Next Issue: Evidence - the photographs that will shock you!