We report. We decide.

With the federal election just months away its time for us all to begin considering who we plan to reward with our vote. To make things a little simpler The Daily Worry’s chief political correspondent has prepared a set of fair and balanced appraisals to help specific groups of voters determine the party which best meets their peculiar needs.

Battlers & Mortgagors

All things considered, it is definitely in your best interests to vote for John Howard. The undeniable truth is that interest rates will always be lower under a Liberal than a Labor government. This natural law is actually the key element in Stephen Hawking's resolved theory of relativity and quantum mechanics. So except for that one time when John Howard was treasurer in 1982 and they hit 21.4%, apart from that one time, second place goes to the Hawke government with a whopping 19.55%. These are the exact same interest rates you'll end up with again if you vote for Labor. So even though interest rates have risen four times since the last election, and six times in a row, that's nothing compared to the sixty times you could expect under Labor. Interest rates currently stand at a low 6.25%. According to the Reserve Bank's historical interest rates webpage, when Paul Keating handed power over to John Howard in 1996, interest rates stood at 7.5% - this is of course a typographical error. They must have meant 75%.

The reasons behind these damning numbers are complex, but essentially boil down to Labor's lack of fiscal intelligence. The story of young Peter has long been a favourite yarn between comrades in the Canberra press gallery. The tale goes that as a young child, whenever Peter Costello was given a dollar to purchase a pint of milk for the family, he'd cleverly purchase a half-pint instead, thus being able to return fifty cents to his mother, who was always thrilled at the unexpected bonus. 'Such fiscal intelligence, you'll make a fine treasurer one day' she'd tell the delighted little boy. The advantage of having Peter in the house was that when the milk ran out, there would always be some spare money for his mother to go to the shops and purchase more. Wayne Swan on the other hand grew up in a lactose-intolerant family. He had a nasty habit of stealing a dollar from his mother's purse to buy milk that the family didn't even want.

So if interest rates concern you, vote for John Howard. It is a little known fact that in gratitude for enabling him to solve the biggest conundrum in physics, Stephen Hawking prepared for our great leader a mathematical formula of such genius that it allows him to deliver unlimited tax cuts without ever putting inflationary pressure on the economy. This is a secret formula which Labor does not have.

Families

If Labor is elected to power the deputy prime minister of Australia will be a woman by the name of Julia Gillard. Ms Gillard has chosen not to have children, so there is a good chance that she hates families. This sentiment is clearly shared by the alternative prime minister Kevin Rudd, who recently ran out on his own Sunrise family.

Since you are in the unique position of being in a family, you might want to consider voting Family First. But of course, your preference vote is always important when voting for a minor party, so on balance I'm going to recommend the Liberal party, for the following reasons:

1) John Howard doesn't hate families.

2) WorkChoices is a revelation for families. Statistics show that an enormous number of marriages break down after retirement. WorkChoices allows for greater flexibility in determining overlapping hours of employment, because the family that doesn’t spend the day together, stays together.

The Unemployed

This should not be a difficult choice. Thanks to the introduction of WorkChoices, Australia is enjoying its lowest unemployment figures since 4000BC. It is now easier than ever for you to walk into an interview and negotiate an attractive slave-wage and magnanimous trade-in on that battered set of conditions you no longer need. John Howard is your choice. Still not convinced? You're obviously not thinking straight because you couldn't afford breakfast this morning.

The Young

Without the distraction of all those well-funded university societies and clubs you’ve been wasting your time with, you've probably got a lot more time on your hands to think about just how much John Howard has done for you. If your parents are wealthy enough to fund you, you probably realised it a long time ago. But for the rest of you juggling study with four shifts a week at the local bottle shop, you'll eventually come around now that those pesky unions aren’t around to shout lies in your face all day. So don’t buy into this ‘education revolution’ rubbish – the revolution has already happened, and you totally won.

Single Mothers

You got your baby bonus. Now say thankyou. You are however, probably slightly concerned about the zero availability of affordable daycare. Well don't worry, the government has a plan to tackle the situation and get you back into the workforce. Its called kindergarten, and it kicks in when your child turns six.

Environmentalists

As the Prime Minister recently pointed out, the key to environmental protection is a strong economy. But of course you can't have a strong economy if you're going to go creating new green-power industries and a significant export market for new environmentally sound products. Labor wants to introduce a bunch of wacky environmental schemes that would wreck the economy and ergo destroy the environment. If you love the environment, vote clean, vote green, vote Liberal.

The Elderly

John Howard is probably older than you. If you don't think that makes him qualified to represent you you're almost certainly too senile to be reading this anyway.

Teachers

This is a tough choice. On the one hand you could vote for the party that isn't constantly using you as a political punching bag, but on the other hand you should vote Liberal.

Those with a mental or other disability (and their carers)

Umm, this is a state issue.

Small Business Owners

The latest CCH GST manual is now available in four convenient binders. Fortunately, if all this reading gets too frustrating you can always take your anger out on some unsuspecting and dispensable employee by firing him for whatever reason you damn well like. Go on, give it a try, its very therapeutic. Now thank the Laird.

The Wealthy

Until recently, life was hell for those earning over $150,000 per annum. Fortunately the government is set to raise the top tax threshold to $180,000, finally allowing you the breathing room you need to add that fourth storey to the holiday home.

Communists, trade unionists and anyone else who hates freedom

You might consider changing your vote to Liberal this election.