Breaking News: Rudd Calls Election

At 4pm EST Labor leader Kevin Rudd called a press conference at his at his Canberra residence to announce that he had visited the governor-general earlier in the day, and had decided that the time was right for an election to be called.

Mr Rudd told reporters that "this election will be about white pine blister rust. That is, any of several diseases of pines caused by rust fungi of the genus Cronartium and marked by destructive invasion of bark and sapwood and producing blisters externally. Who do you white pine blister rust to keep the economy on track? Who do you white pine blister rust to keep interest rates low?"

Joe Hockey, in a doorstep interview shortly after the announcement decried Mr Rudd's hubris in attempting to define the parameters of the election.

"The voters will decide what the election is about, and its about union bosses."

Garrett Endorses Pulp Mill

Opposition Environment spokesperson Peter Garrett has come under fire from conservation groups and the Australian Greens for his decision to support the approval by Environment Minister Malcolm Turnbull of a controversial pulp mill in Tasmania's pristine Tamar Valley.

"Yes, I was head of the Australian Conservation Foundation at one stage, but as we get older our opinions mature. I was just a hot-headed forty-something back then, but now I realise that sometimes conservation applies equally to your electoral standing."

Greens leader Bob Brown has accused Garrett of "selling out" on his principles, declaring that they could no longer be friends. Mr Garrett replied that Bob Brown was just jealous because he won't get to be environment minister, and also that he is gay. Mr Brown replied that Garrett has no hair. To which Mr Garrett replied that Brown wears stupid ugly cardigans.

The Arts Revue was Shit: Rudd

Federal Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd last night described his disappointment at the quality of this year's Sydney University Arts Revue in a policy announcement released at midnight via the online video sharing site YouTube.

The prime minister today attempted to wedge Mr Rudd on this issue, saying that the Arts Revue was a proud aussie tradition, describing its actors as patriotic heroes and aspirational battlers who just needed a government who would keep the economy on track.

Mr Rudd today attempted to clarify his comments, pointing out that actually he thought that some of the sketches, especially the opening number, were really very funny, and that the bit in the middle where Sertan was dressed in military uniform and they all danced to that Edwin Starr song was hilarious.

"I also maintain a deep and mutual admiration and affection for the director. And the delusionists bits are still heaps funny."

Upon hearing that Kevin Rudd had said something, Alexander Downer called a snap press conference, telling reporters that Mr Rudd was only being a clever politician, knowing that this issue would get him at least 27 comments on his blog.

Joe Hockey blamed union bosses.

Rudd Might Oppose Death Penalty

Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd today chastised his own foreign affairs spokesman, describing a speech by Robert McClelland in which he signals Labor's disaproval of capital punishment for the Bali bombers as "insensitive".

McClelland had been trying to make the point that Australia's clemency pleas for its own citizens on death-row can be dismissed as hypocritical by other nations, who might point to the comments of Australia's own prime minister in support of the execution of the Bali bombers. He today apologised for his hurtful comments, dismissing the argument as "absurd" and apologising to the prime minister for any injury to his feelings.

Kevin Rudd attempted to hose down the issue by declaring that "whilst the prime minister and I agree on a lot of things, this is one issue where I must say that we are in particular harmony and resounding agreement that we are absolutely opposed to the death penalty, but believe that it is wrong not to kill terrorists."

Foreign Affairs Minister Alexander Downer called a press conference immediately following Mr Rudd's remarks, accusing the Opposition Leader of being a "clever politician".

"Kevin Rudd is a clever politician, and a clever opposition leader. You may recall that I was once an opposition leader, but you never saw me being clever. I have never been a clever politician. I have never been a clever Foreign Affairs Minister. In fact I can categorically declare that I have never been very clever at all."

Workchoices Tops Ratings Again

In another coup for the high flying Howard government, the latest ACNielsen poll reveals that this week's episode of its new comedy series Workplace Relations has continued its successful debut season by outrating its nearest rivals, Seven's Border Security and Ten's Thank God You're Here by over 200,000 viewers.

Industry insiders credit the success of the show to its wacky characters, zany plotlines, and the hilarious antics of the show's main character 'Kerry', a call-centre operator harbouring a secret dream of Broadway stardom. The unnamed characters known only to fans as 'those two dumb drunk blokes' have also become a cult favourite amongst devotees of the series, with their catchphrases 'aahyeeah', and 'riiiight' now entrenched in pop-culture lexicon.

Fans can't seem to get enough of the surprise hit of the spring. One fan of the show identifying himself as 'Steve82' wrote on a television discussion website that 'Workplaces Relations is way better than The Simpsons. But only because I've seen every episode of The Simpsons over 430 times, but I've only seen most episodes of Workplace Relations about 350 times.'

Industry experts have credited much of the success of Workplace Relations to the advertising blitz employed by the show's producers, with radio, newspaper, internet, billboard, cinema, direct mail and rest room advertising bombarding the public with images and previews of the show.

Earlier in the year the show was embroiled in controversy when one of its stars was shown to be playing a different character to his actual character in real life.