To help prospective candidates for the position of 'New Australian', I have prepared a brief study guide covering the central aspects of being 'true blue'. Be aware that you will need to practise the material covered in everyday life, and much of it may be incompatible with your own strange and/or weird foreign ways.
Mateship
Mateship is a secular religion in Australia stemming from the centuries old practice of referring to people whose name you have forgotten as 'mate'. It stands for everything that is Australian - getting pissed with your mates, helping out a mate, looking out for a mate, and having your mates around for a 'barbie'. (See 'barbie' under 'Food'). Contrary to popular belief, there is no synonym for the word 'mate'. Mateship is not 'friendship', since 'friendship' implies a kind of emotional attachment, which is of course a completely homo and/or feminine sentiment. There is nothing girly about mateship. It is a white heterosexual male concept and thus transcends all relevant racial and cultural boundaries.
Example usage:
- "Listen mate, I'm gonna need you to sign this AWA."
- "Sorry 'bout the wait mate, but they promise they'll have these military commisions up and running any month now."
Language
The official language of Australia is Australian. You will be expected to be able to speak it. And write it too, even if you happen to be dislexic or illiterate in your native language. You will be expected to speak Australian when communicating in public, since your native tongue makes real Australians feel uncomfortable. If you happen to cause a riot by making members of a white upper-middle class suburb fear that you are speaking in a foreign language about the many ways you plan to desecrate their freshly mown lawn, you will be expected to apologise to the local RSL club.
Food
Australian cuisine is world renowned for its vibrant use of condiments and subtle lack of spices. The most famous Australian meal is the barbecue, or 'barbie'. The barbie is an outdoor cooking plate used to fry sausages, steak and mince-patties. Claims that it can also be used to grill eggplant are yet to be verified. Australians are also big fans of foreign cuisine, regularly indulging in such exotic dishes as Sweet & Sour Pork, Dim Sims and Butter Chicken. The recent trend toward modern 'cultural fusion' dishes is therefore quite unsurprising. One favourite is Spring Rolls dipped in Heinz tomato sauce.
Ethics
Not to be confused with 'ethnics', ethics are actually a positive force in Australian society. Some examples that new Australians may not be aware of include our disdain for human sacrifices, our disapproval toward Germaine Greer, our frowning upon marriage between siblings, our disgust at racism, and our hatred of South Africans (but only the white ones).
We will not tolerate violence against women when they don't deserve it, and are especially vigilant toward any instances of sexual assault involving multiple assailants, or 'ethnic gangs' as we call them.
Religion
The constitution of Australia reads "Whereas the people of New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Queensland, and Tasmania, humbly relying on the blessing of Almighty God, have agreed to unite in one indissoluble Federal Commonwealth". It is of particular note that the constitutional preamble does not refer to Allah. Nevertheless, Australians, despite being under no obligation to do so, have kindly opened their doors to foreigners of all lands, and with great generosity allowed them to practice whichever religion they choose. Australians are especially fond of touchy-feely religions which promote meditation and whose holy figures make tremendous hand-carved holiday souvenirs and incense holders. They are thoroughly disapproving however of any religion which promotes hatred and intolerance, but like Christianity because Christmas and Easter are fun. Australians believe that it is important to tolerate all religions, however much their mosques devalue the local property market. Australians are maliciously contemptuous of Tom Cruise and all his Scientology disciples, whose religion encourages heartbreak upon our Nic.
Sport
More important than religion in Australia is sport. Sport crosses cultural boundaries, and is thus infinitely more effective that the UN in cementing friendly ties with other nations, even the uncivilized ones. For example, every couple of years we play test cricket against Pakistan because, try as they might, the United States just aren't very good at cricket. You will be expected to paint your face green and gold for the duration of every Olympic Games and World Cup, and stop supporting the country of your birth immediately. Australians do not like new Australians who do not share their fervent passion for Australia's sporting success.
Government
Australia enjoys a democratic system of government run by John Howard, the greatest Prime Minister Australia has ever had. You will be expected, as a true Australian, to vote Liberal. Failure to vote Liberal will lead to interest rates as high as 87%. It is a well-established fact that Labor kills babies at the behest of the Unions.
Aborigines
Aborigines are the native people of this country. They are good at throwing boomerangs and playing didgeridoos. In 1788 they were rescued from savagery by European settlement. Aborigines like to get drunk with Justice Michael Kirby at gay bars and make up devious lies in an attempt to steal people's land. If it weren't for John Howard, Australia would be entirely owned by Aborigines, who would force us to pay them eleventy-billion dollars in welfare every day.
Welfare
In the spirit of 'a fair go', Australia's welfare system is being slowly dismantled. This will ensure that all Australians who aren't bludgers will be given a fair go at not paying for students to learn about Communism or for Aborigines to buy food, medical supplies and petrol to sniff. This money will instead be redirected, with stay-at-home mums given a fair go at not having to do men's jobs and drought-stricken farmers a fair go at coaxing another crop out of their untillable land some time in the next six years.
Travel
Australians have a proud tradition of overseas travel. Most young Australians will spend several months globe trotting through Europe, South-East Asia and North America, because these are the safest and easiest parts of the world in which to get pissed and desecrate hallowed relics.
There are many theories as to why Australians feel such a pressing urge to see the world, but the most likely is that there is no greater pleasure for a true blue Aussie than to visit inferior nations in order to assert one's superiority over them. A real Australian can think of few dandier delights than getting hammered in a Bangkok strip-club with his mates and making fun of the taxi driver's funny accent on the way back to the Novotel.
ANZACS
ANZAC is an acronym standing for Australia New Zealand Army Corps. But ANZAC is more than the sum of its parts. In Australia it is a kind of spiritual force, best typified by Simpson and his donkey. Simpson was a stretcher bearer at Gallipolli, a strip of sand in Turkey where thousands of Australians were killed in glorious defeat thanks to the incompetence of the Poms, who have since been duly punished on the cricket field. Any suggestions that Simpson was an illegal immigrant, socialist, unionist and army deserter are lies spread by un-Australian Black Armband historians who hate freedom.
