Aussie Values Study Guide

The government's new citizenship test ensures that all Australians, except those born here, have an appreciation of those things which make us uniquely Australian. Behind 'staying the course', this policy is quite probably Howard's most ingenious yet, because it solves every problem we've ever had with ethnic integration in this country. You see, the problem has always been that despite the best efforts of Australians to make new Australians feel at home, new Australians obstinately insist upon their right to be different. For example, many have the audacity to speak with accents, or even pray to strange gods, which makes proper Australians feel uncomfortable. When we feel uncomfortable, we can't help feeling hostile toward that which is making us uncomfortable. If an itch was making you uncomfortable, you would scratch it. The most accurate way to think of the famous riots of Cronulla is as a good, vigorous scratch.

To help prospective candidates for the position of 'New Australian', I have prepared a brief study guide covering the central aspects of being 'true blue'. Be aware that you will need to practise the material covered in everyday life, and much of it may be incompatible with your own strange and/or weird foreign ways.


Mateship

Mateship is a secular religion in Australia stemming from the centuries old practice of referring to people whose name you have forgotten as 'mate'. It stands for everything that is Australian - getting pissed with your mates, helping out a mate, looking out for a mate, and having your mates around for a 'barbie'. (See 'barbie' under 'Food'). Contrary to popular belief, there is no synonym for the word 'mate'. Mateship is not 'friendship', since 'friendship' implies a kind of emotional attachment, which is of course a completely homo and/or feminine sentiment. There is nothing girly about mateship. It is a white heterosexual male concept and thus transcends all relevant racial and cultural boundaries.

Example usage:

- "Listen mate, I'm gonna need you to sign this AWA."
- "Sorry 'bout the wait mate, but they promise they'll have these military commisions up and running any month now."


Language

The official language of Australia is Australian. You will be expected to be able to speak it. And write it too, even if you happen to be dislexic or illiterate in your native language. You will be expected to speak Australian when communicating in public, since your native tongue makes real Australians feel uncomfortable. If you happen to cause a riot by making members of a white upper-middle class suburb fear that you are speaking in a foreign language about the many ways you plan to desecrate their freshly mown lawn, you will be expected to apologise to the local RSL club.


Food

Australian cuisine is world renowned for its vibrant use of condiments and subtle lack of spices. The most famous Australian meal is the barbecue, or 'barbie'. The barbie is an outdoor cooking plate used to fry sausages, steak and mince-patties. Claims that it can also be used to grill eggplant are yet to be verified. Australians are also big fans of foreign cuisine, regularly indulging in such exotic dishes as Sweet & Sour Pork, Dim Sims and Butter Chicken. The recent trend toward modern 'cultural fusion' dishes is therefore quite unsurprising. One favourite is Spring Rolls dipped in Heinz tomato sauce.


Ethics

Not to be confused with 'ethnics', ethics are actually a positive force in Australian society. Some examples that new Australians may not be aware of include our disdain for human sacrifices, our disapproval toward Germaine Greer, our frowning upon marriage between siblings, our disgust at racism, and our hatred of South Africans (but only the white ones).

We will not tolerate violence against women when they don't deserve it, and are especially vigilant toward any instances of sexual assault involving multiple assailants, or 'ethnic gangs' as we call them.


Religion

The constitution of Australia reads "Whereas the people of New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Queensland, and Tasmania, humbly relying on the blessing of Almighty God, have agreed to unite in one indissoluble Federal Commonwealth". It is of particular note that the constitutional preamble does not refer to Allah. Nevertheless, Australians, despite being under no obligation to do so, have kindly opened their doors to foreigners of all lands, and with great generosity allowed them to practice whichever religion they choose. Australians are especially fond of touchy-feely religions which promote meditation and whose holy figures make tremendous hand-carved holiday souvenirs and incense holders. They are thoroughly disapproving however of any religion which promotes hatred and intolerance, but like Christianity because Christmas and Easter are fun. Australians believe that it is important to tolerate all religions, however much their mosques devalue the local property market. Australians are maliciously contemptuous of Tom Cruise and all his Scientology disciples, whose religion encourages heartbreak upon our Nic.


Sport

More important than religion in Australia is sport. Sport crosses cultural boundaries, and is thus infinitely more effective that the UN in cementing friendly ties with other nations, even the uncivilized ones. For example, every couple of years we play test cricket against Pakistan because, try as they might, the United States just aren't very good at cricket. You will be expected to paint your face green and gold for the duration of every Olympic Games and World Cup, and stop supporting the country of your birth immediately. Australians do not like new Australians who do not share their fervent passion for Australia's sporting success.


Government

Australia enjoys a democratic system of government run by John Howard, the greatest Prime Minister Australia has ever had. You will be expected, as a true Australian, to vote Liberal. Failure to vote Liberal will lead to interest rates as high as 87%. It is a well-established fact that Labor kills babies at the behest of the Unions.


Aborigines

Aborigines are the native people of this country. They are good at throwing boomerangs and playing didgeridoos. In 1788 they were rescued from savagery by European settlement. Aborigines like to get drunk with Justice Michael Kirby at gay bars and make up devious lies in an attempt to steal people's land. If it weren't for John Howard, Australia would be entirely owned by Aborigines, who would force us to pay them eleventy-billion dollars in welfare every day.


Welfare

In the spirit of 'a fair go', Australia's welfare system is being slowly dismantled. This will ensure that all Australians who aren't bludgers will be given a fair go at not paying for students to learn about Communism or for Aborigines to buy food, medical supplies and petrol to sniff. This money will instead be redirected, with stay-at-home mums given a fair go at not having to do men's jobs and drought-stricken farmers a fair go at coaxing another crop out of their untillable land some time in the next six years.


Travel

Australians have a proud tradition of overseas travel. Most young Australians will spend several months globe trotting through Europe, South-East Asia and North America, because these are the safest and easiest parts of the world in which to get pissed and desecrate hallowed relics.

There are many theories as to why Australians feel such a pressing urge to see the world, but the most likely is that there is no greater pleasure for a true blue Aussie than to visit inferior nations in order to assert one's superiority over them. A real Australian can think of few dandier delights than getting hammered in a Bangkok strip-club with his mates and making fun of the taxi driver's funny accent on the way back to the Novotel.


ANZACS

ANZAC is an acronym standing for Australia New Zealand Army Corps. But ANZAC is more than the sum of its parts. In Australia it is a kind of spiritual force, best typified by Simpson and his donkey. Simpson was a stretcher bearer at Gallipolli, a strip of sand in Turkey where thousands of Australians were killed in glorious defeat thanks to the incompetence of the Poms, who have since been duly punished on the cricket field. Any suggestions that Simpson was an illegal immigrant, socialist, unionist and army deserter are lies spread by un-Australian Black Armband historians who hate freedom.

Charlie at Twelve O'Clock

You spot something out of the corner of your eye. A flash of colour, a shrill voice, in any other context benign, today spells danger. Real danger. This could get ugly. You know what needs to be done. Stooping a little you slowly begin to veer away from the menace. If you can just stay out of their line of sight you might get lucky. Something might distract them. You could make a dash for safety. A sense of imminent doom permeates your very being. Past experience dictates that this is going to end horribly. You've been spotted. It's time to move, and move you do. Your step quickens, pack beating against your back to the rhythm of your step. You stumble, recover, he's moving in on you.

Suddenly you swerve, changing course in the hope of throwing him off. Momentarily taken aback by such a bold move the enemy reassesses before plotting a new course to cut you off at the pass. This isn't going well, you knew you shouldn't have taken such an obvious route, what a fool you've been! For the sake of saving a couple of minutes you've exposed yourself. Cold, vulnerable, out in the open, waiting to be picked off like a lame antelope.

'Not today', you resolve.
'You can get me tomorrow, but today is my day.'

Courage is a strange beast. It seems to desert us at the most irritating moments. When you're about to unleash your skateboard down a four metre high ramp, or put your hand up for a penalty kick, or talk to that beautiful young something at the bar. But when courage is truly called for, that's when the men are sorted from the boys. Your courage doesn't desert you today.

You change direction, feigning a direct retreat before spinning 180 degrees to charge the foe head on. Darting left and right and left again you know you have him confused. This is it, the moment of truth. At the instant of impact you pirouette past your adversary and make your dash to freedom. All the defeated combatant can do is stare in disbelief as you make your getaway.

Emboldened by your stunning victory you charge gleefully on, drunk on triumph, entirely assured of you own greatness. Today is your day and life is looking up. It'll be cigars and margaritas tonight baby.

Then you hear it. You should have known he'd call for reinforcements, how could you be so reckless? Words to send chills down the spine of any urban warrior. A friendly hand cast menacingly toward you.

"Hello, have you got a minute to spare for homeless diabetic whale cancer research?" Clutching protectively at the wallet containing your credit card you think, "this really is the last time I walk through Martin Place at lunch..."

How to tell if you're a handwringing pinko leftie do-gooder.

These guys are totally sick for tofu
and Che Guevara T-Shirts.

As an exercise in self-analysis I have identified fifteen surefire signs that you are in fact, bourgeois trash. The truth is often a bitter pill to swallow, but if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? George Bush is always a safe bet. And the survey says...

- Anyone who claims to be 'de-toxing'. You cannot cleanse your liver or heal your body in just three weeks. It really doesn't work like that.

- Anyone who drinks Soy Lattes. Everyone knows they taste like absolute s#it, so why put yourself through it?

- Use of the word 'fascist' as a synonym for 'conservative' or 'right-wing'.

- Emailing friends political articles from the Herald with the subject header:
['Alan Ramsey explains why Howard is going to lose the next election.']

- Anyone who, like me, thinks that owning two Scissor Sisters albums makes them outrageously cool.

- Anyone who claims to be a 'proper bisexual' but has never had a partner of the same sex.

- Any man who moisturises his hands.

- Any wealthy parent who chooses to support public education by sending their child to a state primary school, then sends them to Cranbrook or Knox for high school.

- Anyone who insists on adding 'and the locals were so poor, but they kept smiling' to every second sentence describing their recent overseas holiday.

- People who believe that doing yoga in a 46 degree heated room does anything but make other people's farts smell worse.

- People who only eat organic and describe genetically modified food as 'Frankenstein food' *. These people are very difficult to cook for, and always embarrass you at cafes by insisting that their soy latte be made from non-genetically modified soybeans.

- The drinking of Aloe Vera Juice is a surefire sign that you are completely and utterly pink.

- People who preach religious tolerance, but make an exception for scientology.

- Anyone who writes Haikus.

- Anyone hoping for another interest rate rise before the next election.

- Anyone who thinks its just oh so vogue and postmodern to deride themselves and their own subculture on their blog is a filthy pinko left-wing intellectual elitist.

* No animal DNA is present, though GM food remains a complex issue. Environmentalists have convinced African leaders to reject millions of dollars worth of desperately needed grain donations. Such GM seeds are modified to better withstand the continent's often harsh and arid climates and harvest up to eight times more efficiently. On the one hand, Africans continue to starve as their governments play it safe. On the other, your body is your temple, even if it is a hungry temple. No seriously, there is a good argument to be made against GM food: http://www.greens.org/s-r/34/34-09.html.

All aboard the stabbetycopter

Public outcry and moral indignation are two of my favourte things, so needless to say I've very much enjoyed the announcement of OJ Simpson's new book 'If I Did It'. Simpson, who still owes his former wife's family $44 million after being found responsible in civil proceedings for her death, has stumbled upon a neat way to make some cash - write a book about how he might have killed Nicole Brown Simpson. If he did it. You know, just hypothetically. Might have done it, might not have. Just gonna write a book about it, you know, throw a few ideas out there, stir the pot a bit, make millions of dollars out of murdering someone, that sort of thing. I'm not entirely sure why he'd bother with the whole 'if' masquerade though. Double jeopardy laws ensure that he's completely safe from a second prosecution and I'm pretty confident that 'Yup, I totally did it: and you'll never guess how!' would walk off the shelves.

I have managed to get my hands on some exclusive extracts of this book, and they make for very interesting reading. Here's just a few samples:

- "Say for example I walked in the front door, and she was like there, I like, might have just wanted to talk to her. We're not at the stabbing part yet, that comes later."

- "Maybe Ronald Goldman got in the way whilst trying to protect her. Maybe Ronald Goldman was sitting on the couch eating hot chips and patiently waiting for his turn. More likely he was first though - stabbing practice. That handsome nancy boy model could never take me on, I was the first player to ever run over 2000 yards in one season. Who da man?! Not Ronald Goldman, he's so dead from stab wounds."

- "I might not have been able to find a glove that fitted, so I might have just grabbed one that was a bit of a tight fit. It did the trick. I mean, it might have done the trick."

- "She might have struggled. Then again she might have liked it cause she might have thought it was totally kinky. Or maybe I'm just a filthy wife-beater. You'll never know. Except for that last bit."

- "Now this may come as a shock, but I actually shot her with a sawn-off shotgun... You believed me didn't you? Oh man, you been so Juiced..."

- "Alright, seriously, this is actually what might have happened. I might have stabbed her. Is that what you wanted to hear? There fine, I said it, I might have stabbed her. I hope you've all got closure now."

- "Lemon juice is ideal for adding a zesty tang to any salad. It also blinds people when you squirt it in their eyes, making them more susceptible to a good old fashioned stabbin'. I love that word. 'Stab'. If you say it twenty times fast, it sounds like a helicopter!"

- "Speaking of helicopters, a couple might have followed me as I fled the scene. I was driving along, and I'm like, 'damn, what's that noise, it sounds like someone saying stab stab stab stab...'"

- "I might have got in my white Ford Bronco to flee the murder scene. Or I might have been at home watching re-runs of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. That's a funny show. I might have enjoyed that."

- "The Ford Bronco might have been brown. I came so close to getting the brown one, it was actually the dealer who talked me out of it. He said 'OJ, you're wife is white, you should get a white car.' In hindsight I should have got the brown one. That guy's logic was so flawed."

As Naomi Robson would say, "hmmm, it really makes you think." What a strange thing for someone who's clearly incapable of thinking for herself to say. As Ray Martin would say, "I'm Ray Martin, have a great evening, hope you enjoy your weekend, we'll see you back here on Monday. Goodnight." But he never came back, and Monday's just aren't the same. Stab it.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/people/ojs-revolting-confession/2006/11/16/1163266678010.html

Because sometimes you just hate people.

"So, what have you been up to?" - Ten answers not to give.

- "Just hangin' round the park hunting stray domestic animals with a machete."

- "I've been working on my novel about a rapist clown. He likes to keep the nipples as souvenirs. Its a comedy."

- "I've been so busy trying to keep my boyfriend and girlfriend from finding out about each other."

- "Actually, I've gotten into the habit of lubricating my fingers and playing with my anus whilst I masturbate."

- "Sorry, I can't talk now, I've got a bus to catch. These backpacks don't detonate themselves you know!"

- "Campaigning to convince people of the virtues of WorkChoices."

- "Kiddy fiddling."

- "Since you ask, have you heard of Dianetics?"

- "Well I've got this new girlfriend who's totally into all that vampire shit..."

- "Just been chillin' with my mate Shannon. You know Shannon Noll? Yeah, he's like, my best mate now..."

Not the only man to get stabbed in the heart by something with flaps that smell like fish.

A Tribute to Steve Irwin.

Steve, though you were always a source of cheap laughs and amusement for my friends and I, we do genuinely miss you. Its always sad when a guy who brings smiles passes. And its always sad when someone you can truly identify with leaves us. But most of all I'm pissed off that I can't do my stellar impersonation of you anymore.

Steve, in you we saw so much of the quintessential Australian. In fact, I see myself as quite the quintessential Australian - we shared so many traits I feel as though a part of me has died with you. For example:

- Our unwavering confidence in our own taste in clothing.You wore Khaki everywhere, and I wear a suit Monday through Friday. My favourite shirt is the iridescent pink one. I like to couple it with a cerise and blue tie.

- You wrestled crocodiles with nothing but a rope and some gaffer-tape. I once caught a hairy spider with a glass. It was huuuuuuge!

- You were a fierce and active supporter of environmental conservation. I once voted for the Greens at a council election. Clearly we're both willing to make sacrifices for the planet.

- By all accounts you always went out of your way to speak to people you didn't have to and to make your colleagues feel like part of the family. I always go out of my way to speak to girls in nightclubs and invite them to start a family with me. Or at least meet my mum.

- You had blonde hair. I have blonde hair. I get it done by a guy named Roderigo at a boutique Salon in Surry Hills. I just don't trust anybody else.

- For you, nothing came close to camping out in the rugged outdoors. This must be in an Australian's blood, because I usually sleep with the window open in summer. In fact I'm so passionate about this that I just got a fly-screen put up to keep the insects out.

- When it came to dangerous reptiles, you believed in giving infant children the same baptism of fire you got from your dad. I also believe in scaring the crap out of babies for the amusement of others. If it was good enough for me to be put in a suitcase by my dad and thrown down the stairs to the cheers of fourteen drunk middle-aged cricket fans, its good enough for anyone else who isn't old enough to support their own head.

- You ran your own successful multi-million dollar enterprise. I also have ingrained in me the business acumen of five generations of white-Australia. I like to buy things off ebay, then sell them two months later at a profit.

- You were always striving to open people's eyes to the beauty of the wonderful fauna this great nation is blessed with. I too am always trying to convince my friends that my cat really is very friendly when you get to know her. You just have to get past the scratching and the furballs and allergens.

So you see Steve, you and I aren't so different, and if you're what it means to be Australian, I'm damn proud to call myself orrrstrayan.